Erasing my existence
From your memory
And hoping someday
Erasing my existence
From your memory
And hoping someday
I guess I’ll speak.
With my lost voice
Of what is gone
And nothing gained.
And all is lost
We still run
But relentless hunt
All is lost
All is lost
Even when you know you’ve got limited time
Even when you’re expecting it
It’s never enough
And it hurts
Oh HAI there. It’s been a while since I wrote an explicitly political post. Since some people seem to think that trans-misogyny is just trans women being upset about fucked up queer space dynamics (that some folx don’t even believe exist) I thought I’d go on and tell you a little of how trans-misogyny fucks over trans-feminine folx in favour of trans-masculine folx.
for decades, all the big women’s colleges accepted trans masculine folx, but not trans-feminine ones. Most still have exclusionary practices. And some of the few that actually accept trans-women have policies in place to make it extremely hard for trans women to be accepted. One of the least horrible about it has wording requiring trans women to present full time and be accepted as women in their daily lives. Yes, they will be judging us by our femininity, and while they accept non-binary cafab folx without reservations, they don’t allow non-binary camab folx. These schools employed Janice Raymond.
If access to education isn’t bad enough, let’s talk about Planned Parenthood and access to lifesaving healthcare. Many Planned parenthoods all across the southeast US will prescribe testosterone but not anti-androgens and estrogen for trans feminine folx.
Now let’s talk about crisis centers and women’s shelters that allow trans-masculine folx while trans feminine folx sleep on the street. Yeah. Trans women have died in the fucking cold because of this.
I’m not saying trans masculine folx shouldn’t get services. I’m saying trans-misogyny specifically is real on an institutional level and costs lives.
So don’t anyone ever come to me saying I’m whining about dating circles and queer cliquishness when I talk about trans misogyny and the ways in which trans masculine folx are privileged over trans women and CAMAB trans folx.
Do you know why I like flowers?
Because they’re pretty and useless
Broken off from their roots
And falling apart day by day
Just like me
The effort of keeping the facade
Pretending normality while I’m panicking again
Pretty and useless
Not everyone will want or be able to have any or all of these procedures done.
Part 1. Genital surgery
A. Orchidectomy: the removal of the testicles, a surgery that can be done on its own, or as part of another form of genital surgery. It is the procedure with the least amount of risk, and least amount of recovery time. As with any procedure, there are risks including but not limited to chronic pain and infection. If done prior, it can complicate some forms of vaginoplasty, but it will not prevent you from being able to get a vaginoplasty later should you so desire.
B. Vaginoplasty: the construction of a neo-vagina and vulva. Prep includes getting permanent hair removal via laser hair removal or electrolysis from the penis and scrotal sac. Each surgeon will have their own guidelines for this. And each surgeon will have a slightly different proprietary technique.All of these procedures have risks including but not limited to: chronic pain, infection, and death. Typically you will need at least 2 letters from different licensed psychologists and another from your doctor to be able to receive a vaginoplasty. Following are the most common procedures
Other non-standard genital surgeries are available but extremely hard to find, and usually are more expensive as well. Also they entail more gatekeeping.
Part 2: Breast Augmentation.
Also known as Mammary augmentation. Not recommended for people who haven’t been on hormones for at least 4 years. Your breasts will still be growing in that time, and that can severely mess up the results. Many types of implants and techniques are available, so consult the surgeon you will be working with. The three main materials used for augmentation follow.
Part 3: Other procedures
A. Voice feminization surgery: Raises the pitch of your voice. Voice training is generally more effective, and doesn’t carry the risk of complete vocal loss. Vocal feminization surgery alone will not change the way your voice is perceived. Over half the women I’ve talked to who have had the procedure have regretted getting it done.
B. Tracheal shave: Reduces the appearance of the adam’s apple. Sometimes performed as part of facial feminization surgery. Voice needs to rest for 3 weeks after the procedure.
C.Facial Feminization Surgery: A group of surgeries performed together to increase the femininity of the face. Can include but not limited to
Part 4: sources.
all the various trans women I’ve known over the years
So this is what dating someone
Then no longer dating that someone feels like.
I should have seen this coming
And parts of me wonder if she was ever really interested.
Or if she was just going along because I was.
I know she found me attractive once…
I know that it was real
I know I still love her
But not in the way I did
I care deeply still
But the romantic feelings vanished
In the very moment
She said she didn’t want me any longer
I already miss her
And what we had
But I don’t want to be with her
AIN’T THAT SOME FUCKED UP SHIT
So pain will be pain
A nice clean heat
Burning in place
Of the fire I once had for her
Until it consumes itself
And once again
We’ll be friends
Like we were in the beginning
My dad turned away that day
And never turned back
He still can’t look at me
He only looks in my direction
Do you know I’ve only seen my dad cry twice?
The first time was when his father died
The second was when he saw me truly
He still won’t see me
Only what he wants me to be
Well, it has been quite a while since I talked about religion. But I kinda want to distract myself from certain memories this time of year brings up, and the suicidal thoughts that go along with them.
So, I’m kinda a semi-practicing eclectic pagan now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a non-practicing Discordian and materialist atheist with no belief in any spiritual forces, but I enjoy the ritual. It has it’s uses. It focuses me, and helps me deal with certain things. And I like the way the turning of the seasons is marked. It feeds me.
Hell, I don’t think this will really make sense to anyone, partially because I’ve kept it pretty vague, but this really isn’t about you anyway.
But I don’t really find community with anyone through religion. All of it still feels so alienating to me.
Anyway, that’s where I am.
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Everyone who sees this picture brings their own biases to it, and interprets the gender of this person differently based on who they are and what their experiences have been.