Archive | August 2012

Deception

Deception

I’m good.

I’m so good I fool myself.

Everyone thinks I’m male.

So do I.

The Mirror.

My reflection.

Male.

The unspeakable truth.

The reflection isn’t me.

I’m not male.

Not really.

Maybe someday the mirror will reflect the truth.

Advertisements

What’s the Point?

I can’t win.

No matter what I do, I can’t win.

If I come out, I face discrimination, possibly lose my relationship with my family, lose hours, maybe my job. I might wind up homeless. I barely make enough money to survive as is. If I don’t come out, I will never have an honest relationship with anybody. I will continue to hate everything about myself. I will continue to have to be constantly vigilant to never let anyone know that I’m not straight, and I’m not male. It’s slowly killing me.

At work, if I have the same attitudes, and do the same thing as the people who got promoted, I get a verbal reprimand. If I don’t, I’m not acting like I want a supervisor position. They tell me to do something a certain way, then a week later, ask me why I’m doing it that way.

I’m fucked. Nothing I do is right.

I can’t win, and I don’t want to play anymore.

No Gods, No Masters: Why I don’t believe in heros.

I don’t believe in heroes.

To call a person a hero is to dehumanize them. It makes them into a projection of a few thing that they have done or a few attributes they have. It denies that they are whole complete people with the same tough decisions and flaws that everyone has. I find this deeply insulting.

It also sets you up for disappointment. It gives you unrealistic expectations of people. This isn’t fair to them, or to yourself. Nobody is perfect. And people will let you down. This isn’t to say that you can’t admire someone for a particular trait or action that they have taken. People can still inspire you. But they are still people. And even the people who inspire you have to be held to the same standards as everyone else. No ideas are sacred, not even my own. Question everything and everybody.

 

Let’s talk about arrogance.

So, when people find out that I am an atheist, they often accuse me of arrogance. Why? Because I don’t believe in their gods. They say that I am arrogant because their gods created the entire universe just for us, and that I am an ungrateful fucking person for not getting down on my knees and worshiping. I might be arrogant about many things, but it was humility that lead me into disbelief. It was the ability to admit that I might be wrong about the question of the existence of God that lead me to reject belief. I am not arrogant for being an atheist. I don’t think that they are arrogant for believing in gods. I think that the belief that this universe containing billions of billions of stars was created just for human beings is extremely arrogant, but that the people who believe this lie are just misguided, not necessarily arrogant. Some of them can be. Just like some atheists can be arrogant.

Speaking of atheists and arrogance, I need to get something off my chest here. Some atheists will say that they are smarter than believers because they reject the concept of gods. Not believing in gods does not make you more intelligent. Plenty of atheists are dumb as a brick. You got one question right. That doesn’t make you a fucking genius.

I am an anti-theist. I believe that religion, in general, causes more harm than good. I believe that faith, defined as belief without or contradictory to evidence, is one of the most harmful things ever invented by  man. I am lucky enough to have applied scepticism to the god question. I am not any smarter now that I am an atheist than when I was a believer. Let’s not start lying for atheism like many do for religion.

I’ve found my name.

An act of defiance to an indifferent world

My name is Emily,

And I exist.

Fuck you, World;

You may beat me,

You may keep me from becoming who I truly am,

You may make me lie to my family and friends,

You may make me pretend to be someone I’m not.

But for just this moment,

I am ALIVE,

 I am real,

I exist,

and my name,

My name is Emily.

You can call me Em.

This is a place to collect my thoughts. I am a pansexual atheist trans women. Everyone knows that I am an atheist. Only two friends know that I am bisexual. No one except the internet knows that I’m trans. The closet sucks. Dysphoria sucks. Spam, sexism, cissexism, homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, misogyny, racism, trans-mysogyny, opositional sexism, ableism, and hate speech will not be tolerated. Curse like a sailor if you want, but be respectful to people. Don’t ask for pics. And I will drop the ban-hammer on anyone I like. I am the goddess of this blog, and if you displease me, prepare to be smited.