What’s the Point?

I can’t win.

No matter what I do, I can’t win.

If I come out, I face discrimination, possibly lose my relationship with my family, lose hours, maybe my job. I might wind up homeless. I barely make enough money to survive as is. If I don’t come out, I will never have an honest relationship with anybody. I will continue to hate everything about myself. I will continue to have to be constantly vigilant to never let anyone know that I’m not straight, and I’m not male. It’s slowly killing me.

At work, if I have the same attitudes, and do the same thing as the people who got promoted, I get a verbal reprimand. If I don’t, I’m not acting like I want a supervisor position. They tell me to do something a certain way, then a week later, ask me why I’m doing it that way.

I’m fucked. Nothing I do is right.

I can’t win, and I don’t want to play anymore.

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3 thoughts on “What’s the Point?

  1. i think the long-term solution might be to move to a more open-minded place with a large, open trans* community. i know you mentioned you can’t do that right now, but it might be a good goal. you could also try to find a job that already employs trans* folks (that’d be kinda hard, probably) and then come out? maybe? setting long-term goals you can focus on might make the present more tolerable.

    short-term might mean coming out to one or two carefully chosen people, sounding out your family for their opinions of trans* issues, joining a trans* support group, and blogging about your experiences. cuz the thing is, blogging about your shit will help other people in the future; i find that notion helps me out a lot. when shit is hard and i can’t see a way out, i remind myself that i WILL get out– and then all the trans* kids who come after me will have my writing.

    maybe i’m totally not helping at all– i wish i had some magical words for you. i guess i’m trying to say that i hear you and i want shit to get better for you. and i believe it will, eventually.

  2. Moving is definitely one of my goals right now. I’ve been with the restaurant I work at for 5 years now, and I’m next up for a supervisor position. I would like to get that then use that to transfer to a different location, where they can’t just fire me before I come out there. Right now I’m just trying to save up for a few things.

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