Don’t Panic

FUCK THAT. I’M GONNA PANIC.

I don’t know how much longer I can live as a man. The dysphoria and gender dissonance are getting worse. I think about suicide all the time. I don’t want to die. But I can’t stop thinking about killing myself.

How the fuck do I tell my parents that I don’t want to be a man? How do I tell them? How can I get them to understand what is happening to their son? How can I get them to accept me as their daughter? Hell, I’m still too afraid to tell them I’m bisexual.

I’m going to lose the only friend I have that I can count on. He’s been there with me for everything since highschool. This is the guy I called Tim in a recent post. The friendship is already toxic at this point. He’s a liberal christian. He hates that I’m an atheist. He doesn’t believe in bisexuality. He thinks everyone is either straight or gay. Homosexuality is disgusting to him on a personal level, except when it’s hot chicks in a porno. He’s a gender essentialist.

I’ve been trying so hard to get him to change his views, but it just isn’t going to happen.

I live in a fire at will state with no protections for discrimination.

I want to transition, but I’m so damn scared.

How the fuck do I do this?

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7 thoughts on “Don’t Panic

  1. Hi Emily–I came over from Natalie Reed’s blog (which I read all the time) when I saw your comment; I can’t tell from your “about” page if this blog is meant to be public, so I’ll leave if asked of course. I came over to say congratulations on deciding who you are.

    And then I read this. I don’t know what to say, but I hope you find friends and family for yourself, and wish you strength to deal with however your current relationships work out (good and bad), and to deal with all the shit the world throws at you.

    Since I don’t know you and I’m not trans, this may be useless advice but on the chance it may help: when seriously considering the “suicide” option it helps (me) to consider “cut ties, move somewhere else, and start over” instead. Kind of like suicide but harder to think about and much more worth it. Be well.

  2. Hey nonviolentrage, this blog is public. It is basically a place to sort through all the shit going on in my head and talk about whatever I feel like. If you want to follow along, great. If you like my piss-poor poetry, awesome. It is uncensored and might be triggering because it is the pure unfiltered thoughts and feelings and issues that I am dealing with. I am completely honest here. Maybe I should edit my about page.

    Please don’t take this the wrong way, but congratulations are the last thing I need right now. I need people who understand. I need people who care. I need people who can help. In other words, I need friends. But thank you for the sentiment. Please don’t take this as a rejection. Instead think of it as an invitation.

    I want to move somewhere else, but right now because of my financial and career situation, I feel trapped where I am for at least another year.

    Thank you for your concern. I know that most people would just glance at this and move on.

  3. I know plenty of liberal Christians, and Tim doesn’t sound like one. (For the record, me=publicly agnostic). Maybe that’s because I’m from the northeast US, raised Catholic. Catholicism can certainly go the creepy, pedophilic weirdo route, and the conservative route, but there’s a liberal tradition that’s deeply embedded, mostly among nuns.

    Point is, you’re too young to let assholes judge you (or friends who are being assholish, who are also young and have no fucking clue what they’re talking about).

    And yeah, take suicide off the table. Not a fucking option. I’m with nonviolentrage – if you’re not getting the support you need, cut ties, move on, and start over.

    If the move on part is not a financial option, then look for local support. There are people everywhere.

  4. i’m trans* and i’ve been coming out in pieces over the past 2 years. i’ve lost my partner’s side of the family (but not my partner!!!), i’ve lost friends, i’m terrified because i’m writing an email that i’m going to send to all my profs about my pronouns– but my life is better than it’s ever been because it’s MY life, now. all the shit that keeps going down–it sucks, but it’s happening to ME. and that’s way better than non-shitty things happening to somebody who other people THINK is me.

    there’s a lot of good stuff, too. my partner and i are closer than ever, my mom and i are closer than ever (she had trouble with it at first and she’s a hardcore christian, but she’s turning into a bad ass ally), and i feel less withdrawn.

    it might be different for me because i was designated female at birth and so i have all that dfab trans* privilege. i’m not saying you need to come all the way out right now and just toss your life into chaos– but you DO need to take care of yourself. if that means coming out to a couple of people, joining a trans* support group, finding a great counsellor– awesome. if that means telling everyone and jumping right in– awesome. do what you can do to take care of yourself.

    and seriously, it doesn’t seem like you can actually count on that friend anyway. at least don’t let your friendship with him trump your self-love/respect.

    i’m also a suicide survivor and i wish i could give you some seriously beautiful and insightful words– but i’m coming up dry. words can’t quite sink into the meat of suicidal feelings. just know that shit will get better– even if it gets worse, first. if you want/need to talk, you can always message me. and keep blogging! all sorts of rad people will find you here; there’s a small but awesome trans* community in the blogospere. check out my blogroll for links to rad people.

  5. I was raised Catholic, too. Tim is definitely a liberal christian, I’m just not painting a good picture of the whole of his beliefs, because I am concentrating on the negative aspects of his personallity that are affecting me right now. I don’t think of suicide as an option. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to kill myself. I can’t help my suicidal thoughts. On top of dysphoria, I tend to suffer from depression. I’ve been dealing with random periods of depression since I was young. I have developed several pretty effective coping methods at this point. If I had the money, I’d go see a Pshrink. Thank you for your advice.

  6. Pingback: Goodbye, Tim | Call Me Em

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