How not to talk to trans* people.

I recently had a little exchange on my blog with a commenter, John A. David. This is an example of  how not to talk to someone who is trans*. Some of his comments have been edited by me. See this post for explanation.

First, John said this:

 By the way, I am not pissed at all, actually I felt nothing but one thing that you are deeply troubled. I get it why you seem frustrated with your troubles, so do not think I talking about things I do not know. As a teenager I struggled with sexual orientation

No, you do not know what you are talking about. Struggling with sexual orientation is nothing like the hell that is dysphoria. Do you have any idea what it is like to despise the sound of your own voice? So I responded to him thusly:

You have no fucking clue what gender dysphoria is like. Do not claim that you do. It is not like struggling to accept your sexual orientation. I am seriously enraged by what you wrote there. I am trying very hard to remain civil.

Jackass responded thusly:

 Yeah, may be I do not. I also do have cancer but I can still see the pain reflected. Everyone has his own demons to face, you have yours, I have mine. Can you feel what I feel, no way. So in that way no one is different. But my comment was not insulting if that’s how you took it. I only wanted to say, I can see why you are upset. It must be very discomforting for you.

So, John not only didn’t apologize for presumptuously comparing his struggle with sexual orientation to my gender dysphoria, he condescendingly told me not to be offended by it. Well then jackass, how about you go fuck yourself.

Midori Skies (love the name by the way) responded to John:

 Um, wow. That’s even worse than the “I’m sorry if I offended you” brand of not-pology. Your intent to not be insulitng in writing your earlier comment does not somehow magically nullify the offensiveness of your saying that you understand gender dysphoria because you “struggled with sexual orientation”. You do not understand what gender dysphoria is like. There’s no maybe about it.

Thank you. Seriously, Thank you.♥

John came back with:

 I never said I understand gender dysphoria, so I am not sure why would you repeatedly bring this.up. I said, I know how its frustrating when one is struggling with an issue, which for me was sexual orientation

A. Yes, the fuck you did. ” I get it why you seem frustrated with your troubles, so do not think I talking about things I do not know.”

B. Midori Skies brought it back up.

C. It isn’t struggling with an issue. It is looking in the mirror and seeing a man where a woman should be. It is about your sense of self. It is something you can’t escape. And after I transition I have to look forward to the fact that 1 in 12 trans women are murdered. 42% of transgender folkss attempt suicide before transition. Many do not survive to transition. So go fuck yourself, you condescending jackass.

John finished up with this Gem

 anyway, I apologize again for the misunderstanding.

Let me reword this: I’m sorry that you didn’t understand me.

Problems with this:

1. Not taking any responsibility for his fuck up.
2. Blaming me for not understanding what he meant.
3. Even what he meant was extremely condescending.

So John, The only other thing I want to hear from you is a real apology. Anything else will be blocked.

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7 thoughts on “How not to talk to trans* people.

  1. fucking grues. i rarely let their comments through moderation; i usually email them and explain why i won’t be publishing their comment. i offer suggestions on how to revise their comments so they won’t 100% offensive and i offer to edit their comments for them if they email me a revised version. or i tell them their comments can’t be saved from gross-ness but that they can try again (following these guidelines:..)

    they rarely get back to me. sometimes i get a one word reply– usually “nazi” or “feminazi,” but they don’t usually get back to me. i think they just want to fucking say whatever they want wherever they want cuz they don’t fucking understand the concept of safe space. fuck ’em.

    @ midori skies: your comment rocked pretty hard, cat. <3

  2. well, this isn’t a safe space. It is my house, and I expect people not to shit on the floor. I’ll give someone a chance, unless they are being obviously fucked up. But yeah, he did really piss me off.

  3. it’s not like giving grues chances to fix their shit actually accomplishes anything, anyway. nobody ever says, “ok! i’ll just revise my comment, email you the new one– and behave myself henceforth! i now respect the safe space that is your blog!” like, ever.

  4. Pingback: Here we go again . . . . Near fractal wrongness. « Call Me Em

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