Archive | October 2012

A note from the scum on your shoe.

A note from the scum on your shoe:

I wouldn’t be there

If you hadn’t crushed me under your bootheel.


Well……. That was a fucked up conversation.

So, I just got off the phone. Somehow, despite my best efforts, Tim brings up atheism. He always does this late at fucking night when I can’t think right. Fucker. He starts going on about how atheists are just like 9/11 truthers. “They’re always asking for more evidence, They get really mad when you don’t agree with them, come on man, you know I’m right, YOU’RE just like them.” What the Fuck? Seriously. That’s how you escape the burden of proof. Fuck you. The difference is that the 9/11 truthers are offering a theory that contradicts the evidence. Of course I didn’t say that. Instead, I told him that I would rather not get into atheist/christian debate right now. I told him that if we got into it, we probably wouldn’t remain friends much longer. This guy.

So then he goes into how much it pisses him off when someone tries to change the subject. Now get this shit. He says that if I really piss him off, “I could really fuck up your life with one phone call.” He’s referring to outing me as bisexual to my parents. I go dead silent. What the fuck do you even say to something like that? It’s hard to even describe how that made me feel. What a fucking betrayal. A slap to the face. An utter repudiation of everything that we have ever done for each other. I think that my ability to hear even went out momentarily. Next thing I hear over the phone is him saying “hello?” I respond that I’m still there. The next part is a little blurry, even though it just happened. I tell him that I need to know if what I just heard was what he meant, that he would out me to my parents if I pissed him off enough. He got mad at me for believing that he would actually do that, that he was joking around. That, “after all I’ve done for you, do you think that I would do something like that to harm you?” You know what, I didn’t say this to him, but that is exactly why I don’t trust him with anything personal anymore. I don’t fucking trust him. He’s manipulative. He’s constantly tearing me down. And now, because I trusted him, he has power over me until I come out to my parents as Bi. This is one of the many reasons he doesn’t know I’m trans*. He doesn’t even bother to hide his contempt for me for being an atheist like I showed above. And I never knew how ridiculously homophobic he was until I came out to him. Why the fuck did I ever waste so much time, effort and emotion on this guy? And now, I have to pretend like everything is normal, because he holds power over me. I’m even going to hang out with him tomorrow. I feel like crying.

A glimpse into one possible future

Starlight and Madness

Starlight and madness

They shine in her eyes

She longs to be free

They can’t fathom why

“He was such a nice boy,”

Her parents will cry

So starlight and madness

Did shine in her eyes


Her mind holds the secret

The perfect disguise

They’ll never accept her

They’ll tell her she lies

She needs to be free

They’d rather she die

So starlight and madness

Shine from her eyes


The stars shine so brightly

No moon in the sky

Though her parents disown her

She can’t be a guy

“Now I am free,”

She screams in the night

While starlight and madness

Reflect in her eyes


I had things to say,

But I can’t say them.

I had things to do,

But I can’t do them.

I had words to speak,

But the truth is to much.

On Being Childfree

I don’t want kids. I know, crazy, right? I never want to have kids. This makes me even more alien to most of society.

I could give you a million rational reasons, but those aren’t why I’m childfree.

I don’t want kids for several reasons

  1. I’m lazy, and kids are a lot of work.
  2. I don’t want the responsibility. Not in the sense of having to take care of someone, in the sense of raising a decent human being.
  3. I’m very screwed up as a person, something I talk about on this blog. I think that it is unfair to a child to have to deal with someone like me. A romantic partner has a choice, A child doesn’t.
  4. Honestly, I don’t get the appeal. I don’t understand why anyone would want children. I can’t comprehend it on an emotional level.
  5. I’m an extreme introvert. Prolonged social interaction is painful for me.
  6. I actively dislike children. I know, that makes me a monster, but it’s true.

The funny thing about being openly childfree is how many parents will come up to you privately and tell you how much they wish that they never had children. Don’t get me wrong; they still say that they love their kids. They just wish that they had never gone down that road. In public they would never say something like that, but they know that someone like me would understand.

Life’s pretty fucked up like that.

If you like kids and want kids, I fully respect that. Please respect those of us who don’t.

The stupidest fucking debate.

Bisexuality vs Pansexuality.

Yes. I’ve seen this five times in the last week alone. Can we stop doing this. There are so many different definitions of both of these terms, and they mostly overlap. If someone says that they are pansexual, and you don’t know what they mean by that, ASK THEM. Don’t ask them to tell you the difference between that and bisexuality. If someone says that they are bisexual, don’t assume that they are enforcing the gender binary, won’t date trans* people, and aren’t attracted to non-binary trans* people. If you aren’t sure about what someone means when they say that they are bisexual, ASK THEM. Don’t ask them to tell you the difference between that and pansexuality. Personally, I use the terms interchangeably to describe myself, though I actually prefer the term non-monosexual, but that will never catch on so I usually just say bisexual, because most people know it and it gives them a general idea of who I am capable of being attracted to. Please stop policing other people’s sexual orientation.

analyzing propaganda for stress relief

“Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning)”

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?

Emotional Hyperbole. This primes you to be receptive to take the rest of the lyrics without thinking. It is a very good manipulation technique. It also allows the singer to link unrelated things later to the 9/11 tragedy.

Were you in the yard with your wife and children
Or working on some stage in L.A.?

An appeal to both the “elite” and the “common man.” In other words, the singer is appealing emotionally to people of any class, and saying we are all this together.

Did you stand there in shock at the sight of that black smoke
Risin’ against that blue sky?
Did you shout out in anger, in fear for your neighbor
Or did you just sit down and cry?

First painting a very stark visual in order to get people to respond viscerally, then telling them that the only two options are anger or shutting down. It is subtle way of stirring anger which will later be directed at a target.

Did you weep for the children who lost their dear loved ones
And pray for the ones who don’t know?

Insertion of prayer, because people are already programmed by churches to respond to that sentiment, also using the fact that children died to magnify the intensity of the emotional response of the intended target audience for the propaganda.

Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
And sob for the ones left below?

Furthering the list of victims that must be avenged.

Did you burst out with pride for the red, white and blue
And the heroes who died just doin’ what they do?

ah, yes that old stand by, “Remember the Alamo.” The fallen hero archetype in propaganda is common. Another is the Sinking of the RMS Lusitania. Also suggesting that we should have pride in the U.S. because we were attacked. A good way to encourage nationalistic sentiment.

Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself and what really matters?

Tying together both the spiritual aspects and the familial aspects.


I’m just a singer of simple songs

“You can trust me.”

I’m not a real political man

“I’m not biased.”

I watch CNN but I’m not sure I can tell
You the difference in Iraq and Iran

and here finally is the point. directing the emotion that has been built up towards the intended targets, Iraq and Iran, because there is no difference between them and people like them (code for Muslims) are responsible even though neither of those countries had a single thing to do with 9/11.

But I know Jesus and I talk to God

“God is on our side” or as the Germans used to say Gott mit uns

And I remember this from when I was young

adding nostalgia to the mix.

Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is love

Contrasting the “good” U.S. with the “evil” Iraq and Iran.

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Were you teaching a class full of innocent children
Or driving down some cold interstate?

Connecting us with innocence, family and contrasting that with the loneliness.

Did you feel guilty ’cause you’re a survivor
In a crowded room did you feel alone?

Creating feelings of guilt to amplify emotions and allow the singer to shift the guilt to Iraq and Iran.

Did you call up your mother and tell her you loved her?
Did you dust off that Bible at home?

Once again using family and spirituality like these are traits solely reserved for our side.

Did you open your eyes, hope it never happened
Close your eyes and not go to sleep?

Reinforcing the emotional trauma.

Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages
Or speak to some stranger on the street?

Telling us to come together.

Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow
Or go out and buy you a gun?

Creating a martial tone.

Did you turn off that violent old movie you’re watchin’
And turn on “I Love Lucy” reruns?


Did you go to a church and hold hands with some strangers
Did you stand in line and give your own blood?

tying together religion, community, and self-sacrifice

Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family
Thank God you had somebody to love?

More of the same.

[Chorus x2]

And the greatest is love.
And the greatest is love.

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?

So yeah, this is pretty much a perfect specimen of propaganda…. and most people never even realize it.

The two flavors of dysphoria.

There are two types of gender dysphoria.

1.Social dysphoria.
2.Body dysphoria, also known as Gender Dissonance#.

#Credit for this term goes to Julia Serano from Whipping Girl.#


**I am about to be speaking from my own perspective, and this does not apply to all Trans* people. I will be using myself as an example.**


They are very different experiences.

When I am experiencing social dysphoria, It hurts to be treated as male. “Sir,” is like a slap in the face. Having to be, “one of the guys,” is pure fucking hell. Just being seen as male is painful in its own right. Dressing in specifically male coded clothing hurts, not because women and men wear drastically different things, but because you are intentionally putting on something that will tell people that you are male, and that you should be treated as such. It is double plus bad because you are telling other people to treat you as something you are not. Not that gender roles are anything but bullshit, but I do not want to be referred to as a man because I am not one.

When I am experiencing gender dissonance, it is my very body that betrays me. My voice, not being in a female register is incongruent with how my voice is in my head. It is alien to me. My facial hair is repulsive to me. And I am very unlucky, because even after I shave, you can see a shadow. I can’t stand having any body hair, except for pubes, because, lets face it, bush is sexy (on any gender){I know, that is just my own personal preference, and someone can be sexy, pubes or no pubes}. I should have boobs. Sometimes, when I am just waking up, I experience phantom breasts. Why the fuck don’t I have boobs? I won’t even talk about genital dysphoria. Looking in the mirror is pure fucking hell because I see a man staring back at me where a woman should be. It is an attractive man, but it isn’t me.

Body dysphoria is why I hate certain forms of sex positive feminism that stress body acceptance. I’ve tried to accept this male body. I can’t. It isn’t because I’m fat,(I’m not.) It isn’t because I can’t see someone attractive in the mirror. It’s because I’m not male and I am forced to live in  a male body. So you can take your body acceptance and shove it. You just make me feel worse about myself, when it is something that is not my fault. Instead of shaming someone for their body, they are unintentionally shaming me because I got the wrong one. For feminists who are usually pretty good to the trans* community, they really fucked this one up.