Well……. That was a fucked up conversation.

So, I just got off the phone. Somehow, despite my best efforts, Tim brings up atheism. He always does this late at fucking night when I can’t think right. Fucker. He starts going on about how atheists are just like 9/11 truthers. “They’re always asking for more evidence, They get really mad when you don’t agree with them, come on man, you know I’m right, YOU’RE just like them.” What the Fuck? Seriously. That’s how you escape the burden of proof. Fuck you. The difference is that the 9/11 truthers are offering a theory that contradicts the evidence. Of course I didn’t say that. Instead, I told him that I would rather not get into atheist/christian debate right now. I told him that if we got into it, we probably wouldn’t remain friends much longer. This guy.

So then he goes into how much it pisses him off when someone tries to change the subject. Now get this shit. He says that if I really piss him off, “I could really fuck up your life with one phone call.” He’s referring to outing me as bisexual to my parents. I go dead silent. What the fuck do you even say to something like that? It’s hard to even describe how that made me feel. What a fucking betrayal. A slap to the face. An utter repudiation of everything that we have ever done for each other. I think that my ability to hear even went out momentarily. Next thing I hear over the phone is him saying “hello?” I respond that I’m still there. The next part is a little blurry, even though it just happened. I tell him that I need to know if what I just heard was what he meant, that he would out me to my parents if I pissed him off enough. He got mad at me for believing that he would actually do that, that he was joking around. That, “after all I’ve done for you, do you think that I would do something like that to harm you?” You know what, I didn’t say this to him, but that is exactly why I don’t trust him with anything personal anymore. I don’t fucking trust him. He’s manipulative. He’s constantly tearing me down. And now, because I trusted him, he has power over me until I come out to my parents as Bi. This is one of the many reasons he doesn’t know I’m trans*. He doesn’t even bother to hide his contempt for me for being an atheist like I showed above. And I never knew how ridiculously homophobic he was until I came out to him. Why the fuck did I ever waste so much time, effort and emotion on this guy? And now, I have to pretend like everything is normal, because he holds power over me. I’m even going to hang out with him tomorrow. I feel like crying.


6 thoughts on “Well……. That was a fucked up conversation.

  1. what an abusive piece of shit. wow. are you ok? <333333333 i'm really glad tim doesn't know you're trans*.

    how bad would shit get if you came out as bi to your parents? would they tell everyone and potentially get you fired from your job? cuz if you tell your parents that you're bi, tim wouldn't have anything over you and you could cut him outta your life. also, if you tell your parents, it might be better than letting tim tell your parents. you've probably already thought about this…

    so harsh, cat. <3 try to stay safe.

  2. are you ok?

    Not really. I told him that I was having stomach troubles to avoid having to be around him today. I’m in a seriously fucked up mental state. As for my parents, that would take a whole blog post to explain that situation, and honestly, right now, I’m not in the mood.

  3. I’m speechless.

    I hope you find a way to cut this guy out. I realize that’s easier for me to write than it is for you to do, but to be controlled by the whim of another – that is one of the hardest feelings to live with.

    Can you get out of the dinner?

  4. Drew, I talk to this guy nearly every day, and we usually hang out on my off day. I was able to avoid hanging out with him the day after that conversation, but I’m still going to have to associate with him. He holds power over me. I’m really, really, fucking depressed right now, having tons of suicidal thoughts, not being able to get anything done. That’s why I haven’t put anything else up recently. I don’t know what I can do. anyway, good to hear from you. I didn’t know that you were reading my blog.

  5. Pingback: Just got back from tim’s place. | Call Me Em

  6. Pingback: Goodbye, Tim | Call Me Em

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