Archive | December 2012

Apparently, I’m a Misandrist. Explaining privilege.

I’ve been told that I hate men. Why? Because I want to see women get equal pay in the workplace. Because I want to see all genders equally represented in positions of power. Apparently I’m racist against white people, too. Why? Because I recognize that life is easier for me because I’m white. And life is fucking shitty and hard for me enough because I’m trans and bi. But I still don’t have to deal with all the shit that Trans women of color do.

Yes, If you are white life is easier for you. If you are straight, life is easier for you. If you are Cis, life is easier for you. If you are a man, life is easier for you. If you are currently able bodied, life is easier for you. If you do not have to deal with any mental issues, life is easier for you. If you have a binary gender, life is easier for you. Deal with it. This does not mean that you have nothing to contribute. This does not mean that sexism, femmephobia, and oppositional sexism. do not hurt you if you are a man.  This does not mean that I hate you. But it does mean that you do not have to deal with the things that I, and other actual marginalized people do.

It means that you may not see how something is oppressive because you don’t have to deal with it every day. I fucking had to write a goddamn post about it not being ok for someone to smack a woman on the ass without her consent in 2012. Because people still think that shit’s Ok. It means that if I say that something is transphobic, you should stop and think for a second before you start explaining to me how it isn’t. I admit that I could be wrong, but I have a much more intimate knowledge of the subject than someone who is cisgender.

This concept is called privilege.  We all have some. It doesn’t make you a bad person, but you need to be aware that some things make your life easier at the expense of others. That isn’t right, and we need to work to eliminate it from the system until equality is achieved. In regards to gender, this fight is called feminism. In regards to race, anti-racism.

If you say that you are against feminism, you are saying that you are against equality.

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Well Christmas, Thanks for the Shitty-ness

If I ever hear the phrase, “rape jokes are always funny,” again, it will be too soon. This comment was made by Tim as he was showing me the movie “Ted” made by Seth MacFarlane. The rape joke in question was a victim-blaming, “raped because of what I’m wearing,” joke made by the male protagonist. That movie is filled with sexism, homophobia, and especially egregious racism towards people of Asian backgrounds. I also got to sit through white-splaining about Kwanzaa which was ended by a statement that was racist enough that the people who were spouting unexamined racist statements even reacted with a WTF moment and changed the subject. “[racial slur removed] just want their own holiday.” That comment was made by Tim’s brother in law. Then there was Tim’s mom, making jokes about a male dog that Tim’s sister had put in doggie clothes. Transphobic and homophobic jokes. I assume that Tim didn’t tell them that I’m bisexual. I asked him to not spread that around.

I’m very open about being an atheist, but I guess Tim never mentioned that to his family, because they all acted like they were in the presence of fellow Christians. I didn’t bother to correct them because, hey I’m a guest at Christmas dinner in their house, and no matter how shitty they are being, I’m not going to do that.

Theories about a one world government leading to the end times a la “revelations.”

Christian Supremacy and lack of tolerance for people who aren’t Christian.

The entire day was infuriating and disheartening, except for seeing the movie “brave.” That was a great little movie, with a wonderful soundtrack. It has problematic elements, but overall is a net positive in terms of self-agency.

So, yeah, Christmas sucked for me.

To the person who found this blog searching for “Merry Christmas for Mom and Dad in Heaven”

I’m sorry to tell you this, but when we die, that’s it. The joy, pain, and everything in between is over. The best thing you can do for your parents is remember them. That way, they live on in you. That way, what they did can still affect the world through you. Cherish  your memories. And most of all, if you can, and still have a good relationship with the family you have now, cherish and enjoy them while you can, because we only get this one life. Especially if you still have a good relationship with them. Trust me. This comes from someone who is having severe family problems and may be disowned by the majority of my family, though I don’t know for sure.

I wish you the best.

Emily

Get it while you can.

Sometimes posts get deleted. Sometimes, I no longer feel comfortable sharing certain aspects of my life. Sometimes, I no longer stand by what I previously said. And sometimes, I just don’t like the post. So get them while you can, sometimes they won’t be there tomorrow.

Please take note

I’ve had a very bad day. Several posts are coming. I’m pissed off and extremely disphoric at the moment. If you make my day worse, your comment will be replaced with My Little Pony.

Yes, I know that the show can be anti-skepticism, and that the fan base is toxic. I still like it. If you don’t, I don’t particularly care. If you want to make an issue of it, Fuck Off, and your comment will be replaced.

The Recent Tragedy

When talking about the recent tragedy, please keep in mind that though many of the people directly effected are religious, some are not, and now is not the time to sell your views on religion, positive or negative, in relation to this event. And please don’t demonize the mentally ill over violence like this.

My condolences to anyone directly effected.

Fluid within the binary

I don’t know if anyone else experiences this, so I’ll just put it out there.  The gender “woman” has a very wide range, just as the gender “man” does, and the genders outside these have an even wider range. Within the binary gender woman are all types of women, butch, femme, tomboy, and many others. While my experience of gender fluctuates, it always does so within the range described by woman, and the mental body map doesn’t change. But at the same time I refuse to describe myself as genderfluid, because at no point do I go outside the range that is part of the false binary system, and I do not want to appropriate non-binary terms, but at the same time, I have a hard time finding the words to describe the gendered thought patterns and behavior switches. Does anyone else experience this, or am I alone?

Fuck it….. I guess I’ll write about this tonight….. Emotions, Anger, and Dealing with Harassment

I woke up angry today. Even when I’m enjoying myself, even when I’m laughing, lately there has been a low grade anger burning underneath the surface that never really goes away. Less suicidal thoughts and more violent ones. Luckily, I learned to deal with my violent tendencies when I was much younger. I’ve been trying to figure out the source of this anger. There are plenty of things that it could be. Things that I deal with on a day to day basis. But those things usually just make me angry while I’m experiencing them. Like Tim.

What could it be? Could it be a reaction to the trans-misogyny rampant in society? Is it related to my depression, some weird new form? Is it a side effect of dysphoria? Resentment from having to pretend to be something I’m not all day long? That last one is definitely a part of it.

Whatever it is, my workplace environment is amplifying it. Today I had a conversation with a co-worker who was convinced that gender inequality exists, but that it favors women. Luckily for me, it was the only rational person I work with. (Hint: It’s not the other atheist.) I was able to completely turn his views around. Yay feminism. But this usually isn’t the case. My job is a hotbed of sexism and misogyny, perpetuated by the women and the men. I do what I can, but it doesn’t accomplish much. The people are also extremely homophobic, which even though no one, except for the aforementioned rational person, knows that I’m bisexual (he doesn’t know that I’m trans*), I can’t help but take personally. Not to mention that there is a rumor going around that I’m gay.

And being an atheist doesn’t help my situation there. I don’t face rampant discrimination for it most of the time, but, with a few exceptions  people treat me differently after they find out. They are still cordial, but there is a wall between us that wasn’t present before. Then there is the fact that one of my managers is a deacon at a local church, and another one is recruiting people I work with to go to church with him.

Not to mention that I have to go behind lazy people and do their jobs after them.

But along with all the other stuff I’m dealing with, I’m being sexually harassed. I’ve actually experienced work based sexual harassment in several forms from different people at different jobs. And this is while everybody assumes that I’m a cis straight guy. Well maybe they don’t always assume that I’m straight. Gives me a mere taste of the metric fuckton of harassment I’ll get to experience once I’m further along in transition. One time, at a different job, One of the owners, a gay guy was the culprit. And his husband, one of the other owners, was the chef. They both did occasionally. Many feminists talk about the male gaze. Well, I know exactly what they’re talking about. But they would also  “joke” in a sexual manner with me. One time they were talking about coming in when the restaurant was closed for a heavy cleaning day. One of them told me that the dress code for the day was tight jeans and no shirt. You should have seen the look on his face. A different time, after I finished closing up the kitchen, one of them told me that I should come back to the bar later, that they were having a wet underwear contest. No, it wasn’t a gay bar, but it was a gay and lesbian friendly hangout for an older crowd. These are only two of the many instances from that job.

Another of the instances of sexual harassment was done by a woman I worked with who was not in management. It got so bad at one point, that she was literally rubbing her body ( and I don’t mean the side of her body) up against me while I was trying to do my job. She’s the only person who has ever harassed me that I was able to get to stop. All it took for her to stop was a conversation. By then, I was at the breaking point, and I think it showed in my face. I think the thing that got her to back down were the words “Please stop.” I didn’t say them very assertively though, almost begging in tone.

Now to the harassment I’m currently facing. It’s coming from the other atheist, who I’ll call Bob, and it is a different type of sexual harassment. There have been many instances, but the most egregious happened recently.

To give a much needed setup, I need to introduce one of my co-workers that I haven’t previously mentioned. Let’s call her Angela. Angela is one of the few people, along with her daughter who also works there, who hasn’t changed her disposition towards me after finding out that I’m an atheist. That might change if she found out the rest of the facts about me, but for the moment, she is one of the best friends I have at my job. People joke about us as if we are a couple, and there was even a rumor that went around briefly. Heck, we even joke about being together romantically, though the relationship is nothing like that. Even though she’s active with the state republican party, and a committed catholic, she doesn’t treat me any differently for being an ex-catholic atheist, and that simple kindness goes a long way. If you’ve been reading this blog, you already know this, but I’ve been growing my hair out, and people comment on it. Angela hates my hair being long and keeps after me trying to get me to get it cut. I won’t do that. Fuck that. It makes me look more feminine. I love my hair, and I’m going to keep growing it out, but I can’t tell her the reason for that.

So one day, Bob hollers out loud so everyone in the kitchen can hear him, “We all know that Angela really likes your hair. She’s just covering up the fact that she likes to pull it while she fucks you up the ass with a strap-on.”

Yeah.

No one is willing to corroborate my story with HR even though they think it is harassment. If they did, they might just have to examine their own behavior towards the women I work with.

See, they don’t think what he did is wrong because of the nature of it, he jokes about me all the time. They just think he crossed a line because he got that specific about describing a sexual behavior. Most of the time his jokes are more of the nature of, “We need to get [birthname removed] a hooker and some Viagra.”

So yeah, I’m angry, I’m dealing with a bunch of shit that is aggravating it, and I can’t even tell my parents what I’m dealing with, and I really want to be able to lean on them, cause fuck trusting Tim with anything personal.