long hair and dysphoria

The last time my hair was this long, I was in junior high. I don’t know why I cut it. Oh yeah, the high school I went to didn’t allow boys to have long hair. I’ve told myself so many times that I look horrible with long hair. The problem was never that I looked bad. It was an excuse. Before I realized I was trans, anything that coded as for girls, on me, made me hate myself because I just saw a guy.  Now, sometimes I see a woman in the mirror and smile. Other times, I still see that guy. And I hate it.

But on low dysphoria days, I can say, the guy in the mirror is attractive. I’d fuck a guy that looked like that.

So much for that autogynephilia diagnoses. It’s funny being a pan trans girl sometimes.


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