old memories

content note: self harm, depression, trauma, abuse

It’s been a bad night. I haven’t been able to get anything done. I’ve been plagued by old memories best forgotten, and it’s stirring up all the old insecurities. That if anyone ever gets to know me, they will hate me.

And yet, I have that one bright shining ray of hope pulling me through. A reason to be happy. But I still get the blues. and I’m not depressed so much as remembering and reliving trauma. I have no idea what triggered this. But I hate it and I wish it would go away.

At times like this in the past, I would give in to self destructive cycles. Drinking, or hurting myself in some other way. Pushing people who cared about me away, before they could hurt me. I’ve gotten better about that. I can catch myself.  Stop the cycle before it starts.

But why do these things that happened to me still hurt so goddamn much? Why do I feel like it’s all my fault?

It’s been a bad night.

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