Archive | August 2013

Demons

These demons in my head,

Screaching

Fighting

Crying out for vengeance against me.

 

The shades of blue that I live in

Hide me away

But don’t keep me safe

 

The monsters resign

To come again another day

Tonight is for others’ demons.

 

And I’m no angel to take away their pain.

 

 

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Trans-misogyny in action

CW: Street Harassment, Trans-misogyny.

I’m walking home from the grocery when a man leans out a passenger side windo to do the normal street harassment thing as the van he’s in passes me on the street. He sees my face and turns back to the driver as he exclaims loudly, “That’s a man!” As I pass the van while it’s stopped at the light, “Excuse me, Sir.” When I don’t respond he grows agitated, and yells, “SIR!” I turn the corner and keep walking without responding. He becomes extremely angry and yells out, “Sir, why do you . . .” I couldn’t understand what he said after that. Luckily, the van didn’t follow me.

Now, what was the point of all this? To show me what my place is? I know what my place is in this society: Firmly under your bootheel. Maybe it was just a reminder. Harass the woman because she’s a woman. Degender and degrade her when you see she’s trans. Get angry because you’re homophobic and think she tricked you into thinking she was attractive. Get even more angry that she ignores you, taking away the slimist margin of your power over her.

Sometimes, silence is the only power you have.

I hate people. The only way for me to avoid this kind of harassment is to look and act like a man. I’d rather deal with the harassment. I’d rather die.

I get evil looks all the time. Everywhere. I get common street harassment. I’ve even been followed for a few blocks by  one man on more than one occasion. I’ve been degendered, spat at, and had curses muttered at me. One guy mimed vomiting as I passed by.

I’ve only been presenting as myself full -time for less than a month. I wonder if the people around me notice how I’m treated.

It’s an exception just to be treated with  basic decency, much less kindness.

I’m afraid of cis people. I’m afraid of men. I never know when and where the worst shit is gonna come from. And even the best cis people just don’t understand sometimes.

 

Sacrifices were made to get where I am today.

For my Shadowsoul

“It’s OK to cry”

As if I could stop

I’m sick of crying

I’ve been crying all day

 

These tears are just the shadow of my grief

Shallow and worthless

 

Do you know what a dream stripped away is?

Do you know how hard it is to live?

To follow one self, possibilities die.

 

He died

The man who lived in this body

An unwitting sacrifice

So I could live.

I mourn him as I wander in his corpse.