Archive | September 2013

The Wall

I walled away my emotions

In order to function

Now only pretending to be human

Feeling only annoyance, mild amusement, and a vague sense of dissatisfaction

Dead inside while a part of me is screaming

A life worth living?

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Significant things

I used a women’s multi-stall restroom for the first time and had a panic attack.

I talked about the emotional abuse that was done to me. In detail. To someone I trust. I’ve never done that before, and probably won’t again. It was hard, triggering, but it helped me heal a little.

I’m not doing too good right now. I’m raw and vulnerable.

But in some ways, I’m doing much better than I have been.

 

I’ve lost the night.

I miss the night. I’ve lost all access to night spaces. The first time was temporary. When I ended my friendship with one of my abusers, he threatened me with a metal pole. After that, I didn’t think I was safe going outside at night while I still lived near him. Then I moved.

But when I moved, I started living as the woman that I am full time. I’ve experienced a fuckton of harassment, transphobia, and trans-misogyny. The other night I was propositioned while walking alone with a plate of food in my hands.

The night no longer belongs to me. It belongs to them. The ones with the power to harm me or not as they so choose. I used to wander and take long walks at night. I no longer can. I’ve lost the night.