Archive | March 2014

While visions of suicide dance in her head

Tw: suicide

You ever wake up

And can’t get the ideation to stop?

Veins open again and again


Dance, Dance, the merry dance

I’m not even depressed

But the thoughts won’t cease


Haunted by visions

I dare not relieve

These are my good days


And yet.

Tw: abuse, self-harm, suicide

Sometimes I want to hurt myself

Just to feel anything

Sometimes I want to hurt myself

To externalize the pain


I know the difference between teasing and mocking

Who drew this target on me anyway?

Was it my mom terrorizing me?

Was it the Church teaching me I was worthless?

Was it my entire school’s ostracism?

It wasn’t my first friend, who choked me.

It wasn’t the other who threatened me.

They came later, with a target already drawn.


Sometimes I want to kill myself.

I wonder how I haven’t done it yet.

My entire life I’ve been mocked.

Friends, coworkers, those in power above.

Sometimes I want to die

Self hatred never knocks

And then I remember the few

Who’ve held my tenderness

Who’ve been worthy of my trust

And I cry

So few have

College Party

Another crowded room
I don’t fit in
Twenty year olds
Drinking, Dancing
Someone else’s Paradise
Not my scene

Where is my quiet room
My books and tea
Intimate talks
Quiet friendships

Not here, with music cranked
Not here, with unfamiliar bodies
Not here, I don’t fit

I never did