Is this hell?

CN: christianity, abuse, trans stuff

Like, sometimes I wonder if I’m in hell. See, one of the things I was taught, or should I say indoctrinated into, is that God’s presence is absent in hell. And I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in gods. But maybe that’s because they really don’t exist on this plane of existence and I’m being punished. I mean, like, why else would I have to go thru the dysphoria, intense chronic pain, and all the rest. Sometimes I wonder if all the abuse is just background that’s inflicted upon me as another form of torture.

So, I don’t actually believe this is the case. I’m not that narcissistic. But yeah, I got some mental issues and hang ups left from when I was Catholic. That shit is toxic, y’all.


7 thoughts on “Is this hell?

  1. Well, I’m very seriously Catholic and I don’t have it. So maybe it’s something besides the Catholicism.

  2. Ok, so I talk about how I feel like I may be in hell, already dead, as a punishment for something, even though I’m an atheist, and all you care about is defending the church? SERIOUSLY? At it’s best, christianity inspires compassion, but too often it just sends out people like you who care more about their beliefs than about people.

    You come to my blog, where I talk about chronic pain, depression, suicide, being fucking raped by my cousin when I was young, being emotionally abused by my parents, and being unemployable and unwanted for being trans, as well as other societal consequences, And you just have to say, catholicism isn’t the problem. Listen, I got a ton of problems, and I talk about one of the ways I still have religious hangups from catholicism when I’ve been atheist for for a long time, and pagan for a while before that, and you’ve got nothing, no empathy. You are a shitty human being, and you should be ashamed.

  3. oh, and not just societal consequences of being trans, but the personal experiences that are so painful as well, like dysphoria.

  4. “You come to my blog, where I talk about chronic pain, depression, suicide, being fucking raped by my cousin when I was young, being emotionally abused by my parents, and being unemployable and unwanted for being trans, as well as other societal consequences…”

    So you assume that I’ve read your whole blog and know everything that it’s about?

    I came to your blog because you had tagged this post “Catholicism”. Therefore, it came up in the WordPress reader when I was reading posts under that topic. So yeah, Catholicism is what was on my mind when I came to your blog. When I got here, I found you trashing Catholicism. In response, I gently suggested that your problem might be something besides Catholicism. For this I get called a shitty human being.

    We’ve all had bad things happen to us, we’ve all made mistakes that have caused us pain, and we all have things wrong with us that cause us confusion. This is life. That being said, having problems and pain and confusion, does not entitle you to trash other people’s sacred beliefs and not receive any criticism in return.

    It’s ironic that your comment policy is “Be respectful”, in light of the way you criticize others.

    I’m sorry about your problems, I really am. But I have found that the biggest part of solving our own problems, is looking inward. This lashing out at people who don’t respond to you in the way you would wish, is not the best way to win sympathy.

    I wish you all the best.

  5. Wow that’s entitlement. Surely nobody can expect that a commenter on her blog would actually respect her space! Or bother to read about it! If you wish her the best then show respect by knowing who you’re talking to before you comment!!!

  6. I respect her enough to assume that she’s mature enough to handle people disagreeing with her. If she can’t, then she’s free to turn off comments.

  7. That’s a frequent question that runs through my mind too, when the dysphoria and depression kicks up a notch to produce the deep searing pain that comes with strong episodes.

    I don’t see it as a narcissistic response though. It’s the way that the response to uncontrollable/internal pain has been hijacked/repurposed to reinforce dogma. A combination of the beliefs that enduring suffering is moral and good, that life is supposed to be one big masochistic test of devotion to an imaginary entity, and that pain we cannot escape or endure is punishment for some sin.

    These things are deep, and I’m not sure if they can ever be rooted out or replaced at this point in my life. Even though it is little consolation in the moment, what I try to remember is that my pain is a legitimate experience of the world, and that it is not a punishment.

    On slightly a different topic, but I really appreciate your poetry and art. Your blog is one of many that serve as a reminder to me and my internal censor that inner experiences, both positive and negative, are legitimate to express.

    Best wishes from a Random Internet Person.

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