Tag Archive | anger

Poem: she went to smith

She Went to Smith*

You knew

You knew exactly what you were doing

You talk all about how you support us

How you believe in our rights

You were supposed to be my friend

You knew that by making that choice

You knew you were benefitting

From my oppression

And you did choose

How could  you?

How dare you?

You chose to go

You chose to benefit from my oppression

And tried to call me a friend

But you knew

And that makes all the difference. **

footnotes

* Smith college still has many trans misogynist policies. If you can’t get your school records changed, you can’t get in. They actively discriminate against me and my kind. She knew this before applying.

**  Allusion to The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

 

 

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A poem for those involved in anti-oppressive and social justice movements

CW: transphobia, assault, violence
CN: I’m not your friendly neighborhood transsexual.

Already There

Your pretty words mean nothing

I see how you see me

Go on, tell me just how anti-oppressive you are.

You know the language, the protocols

But when you slip and say “he” I know what I am to you

The way you look at me when I go into the bathroom

 

Your pretty words mean nothing

When I can’t get a job

When Teenagers are being set on fire

In “Liberal California”

God Damn you all to hell

I’m already there.

dreams

Just woke up. dreamt about being back in my catholic elementary school, with the knowledge and opinions I have now. And I was so angry. I was yelling, screaming at my teachers. Asking them how they can teach kids like us that we’re going to hell amongst other things. Calling them on all the toxic bullshit they taught me over the years. All the stuff I used to believe. I still have so many reasons to be angry. They damaged me.

How do you yell and scream without reverting back to your old voice? I can’t yell in girlvoice.

Please take note

I’ve had a very bad day. Several posts are coming. I’m pissed off and extremely disphoric at the moment. If you make my day worse, your comment will be replaced with My Little Pony.

Yes, I know that the show can be anti-skepticism, and that the fan base is toxic. I still like it. If you don’t, I don’t particularly care. If you want to make an issue of it, Fuck Off, and your comment will be replaced.

Fuck it….. I guess I’ll write about this tonight….. Emotions, Anger, and Dealing with Harassment

I woke up angry today. Even when I’m enjoying myself, even when I’m laughing, lately there has been a low grade anger burning underneath the surface that never really goes away. Less suicidal thoughts and more violent ones. Luckily, I learned to deal with my violent tendencies when I was much younger. I’ve been trying to figure out the source of this anger. There are plenty of things that it could be. Things that I deal with on a day to day basis. But those things usually just make me angry while I’m experiencing them. Like Tim.

What could it be? Could it be a reaction to the trans-misogyny rampant in society? Is it related to my depression, some weird new form? Is it a side effect of dysphoria? Resentment from having to pretend to be something I’m not all day long? That last one is definitely a part of it.

Whatever it is, my workplace environment is amplifying it. Today I had a conversation with a co-worker who was convinced that gender inequality exists, but that it favors women. Luckily for me, it was the only rational person I work with. (Hint: It’s not the other atheist.) I was able to completely turn his views around. Yay feminism. But this usually isn’t the case. My job is a hotbed of sexism and misogyny, perpetuated by the women and the men. I do what I can, but it doesn’t accomplish much. The people are also extremely homophobic, which even though no one, except for the aforementioned rational person, knows that I’m bisexual (he doesn’t know that I’m trans*), I can’t help but take personally. Not to mention that there is a rumor going around that I’m gay.

And being an atheist doesn’t help my situation there. I don’t face rampant discrimination for it most of the time, but, with a few exceptions  people treat me differently after they find out. They are still cordial, but there is a wall between us that wasn’t present before. Then there is the fact that one of my managers is a deacon at a local church, and another one is recruiting people I work with to go to church with him.

Not to mention that I have to go behind lazy people and do their jobs after them.

But along with all the other stuff I’m dealing with, I’m being sexually harassed. I’ve actually experienced work based sexual harassment in several forms from different people at different jobs. And this is while everybody assumes that I’m a cis straight guy. Well maybe they don’t always assume that I’m straight. Gives me a mere taste of the metric fuckton of harassment I’ll get to experience once I’m further along in transition. One time, at a different job, One of the owners, a gay guy was the culprit. And his husband, one of the other owners, was the chef. They both did occasionally. Many feminists talk about the male gaze. Well, I know exactly what they’re talking about. But they would also  “joke” in a sexual manner with me. One time they were talking about coming in when the restaurant was closed for a heavy cleaning day. One of them told me that the dress code for the day was tight jeans and no shirt. You should have seen the look on his face. A different time, after I finished closing up the kitchen, one of them told me that I should come back to the bar later, that they were having a wet underwear contest. No, it wasn’t a gay bar, but it was a gay and lesbian friendly hangout for an older crowd. These are only two of the many instances from that job.

Another of the instances of sexual harassment was done by a woman I worked with who was not in management. It got so bad at one point, that she was literally rubbing her body ( and I don’t mean the side of her body) up against me while I was trying to do my job. She’s the only person who has ever harassed me that I was able to get to stop. All it took for her to stop was a conversation. By then, I was at the breaking point, and I think it showed in my face. I think the thing that got her to back down were the words “Please stop.” I didn’t say them very assertively though, almost begging in tone.

Now to the harassment I’m currently facing. It’s coming from the other atheist, who I’ll call Bob, and it is a different type of sexual harassment. There have been many instances, but the most egregious happened recently.

To give a much needed setup, I need to introduce one of my co-workers that I haven’t previously mentioned. Let’s call her Angela. Angela is one of the few people, along with her daughter who also works there, who hasn’t changed her disposition towards me after finding out that I’m an atheist. That might change if she found out the rest of the facts about me, but for the moment, she is one of the best friends I have at my job. People joke about us as if we are a couple, and there was even a rumor that went around briefly. Heck, we even joke about being together romantically, though the relationship is nothing like that. Even though she’s active with the state republican party, and a committed catholic, she doesn’t treat me any differently for being an ex-catholic atheist, and that simple kindness goes a long way. If you’ve been reading this blog, you already know this, but I’ve been growing my hair out, and people comment on it. Angela hates my hair being long and keeps after me trying to get me to get it cut. I won’t do that. Fuck that. It makes me look more feminine. I love my hair, and I’m going to keep growing it out, but I can’t tell her the reason for that.

So one day, Bob hollers out loud so everyone in the kitchen can hear him, “We all know that Angela really likes your hair. She’s just covering up the fact that she likes to pull it while she fucks you up the ass with a strap-on.”

Yeah.

No one is willing to corroborate my story with HR even though they think it is harassment. If they did, they might just have to examine their own behavior towards the women I work with.

See, they don’t think what he did is wrong because of the nature of it, he jokes about me all the time. They just think he crossed a line because he got that specific about describing a sexual behavior. Most of the time his jokes are more of the nature of, “We need to get [birthname removed] a hooker and some Viagra.”

So yeah, I’m angry, I’m dealing with a bunch of shit that is aggravating it, and I can’t even tell my parents what I’m dealing with, and I really want to be able to lean on them, cause fuck trusting Tim with anything personal.

Just got back from tim’s place.

Fucking scumbag.

Oddly, I’m a little less depressed. I think it’s because now I have a place to direct all this hatred, instead of just at myself.

Get this shit. He starts talking about how “black people see racism everywhere. It’s just not that bad. In this country, racism is mostly a thing that is unacceptable. If they weren’t looking for it, they wouldn’t be seeing it.” Wow. Fuck. I have no words. What a fucking douche. Seriously, I can’t even communicate on a basic level with this scumbag anymore. How do you convince someone so allergic to basic logic and reasoning anything.

In other news, I must be a great fucking actor. He has no idea just how much I hate him at this point. And so much of what he has been saying lately is so highly problematic. Not just the stuff directed at me for being an atheist, or his homophobia and transphobia. He’s starting to let slip just how misogynistic he is too. I wish I never had to speak to this guy again, but I have to act like he’s still a friend, for now.

Guess I’m still fucked, but yeah, at least now I know not to trust him.

At times, atheism can be very comforting.

This is something no one seems to talk about. The positive emotional effects of being an atheist. I wonder why.

I was driving home from a “friend’s” house, when I started crying thinking about, “why? Why do I have to be this way? Why can’t I just be normal? Why do I have to deal with this shit?” Then I remembered something. I am the way that I am because of natural variation in the species, and I just happened to get the short straw in life. See, there is an explanation for why I’m trans*. No god did this to me, it’s just a natural part of life.  I don’t have to beg and plead to a supernatural entity with the false hope of changing, I can just deal with the cards on the table, make a plan, and get on with life. It was very calming. Reality has that effect.

I no longer have to fear hell, or the wrath of an unjust god. Any pain, any misery this life brings me will eventually pass, so why not try to be happy? It too, will eventually pass, so I might as well make the most out of this one life that I do have.

Religion, on the other hand, never gave me comfort. When I was young, I had a pretty severe anger problem. Prayer never helped with it. In fact, prayer made it worse. Only after being taught a secular version of meditation was I able to get control over my anger. Belief in god never brought me comfort. God was judge, jury, and executioner, and no one could ever live up to his standards. I crushed my sense of self, I crushed my attraction to guys, and never had a chance of being happy because I was a true believer in Catholicism. Prayer never calmed me. I was taught that god helps those who help themselves, so I never had any hope that God would do anything for me, but that I was still supposed to rely on him anyway. Religion fucked me right up. Even after I left Catholicism, even after I left christianity all together, none of the religions I tried out ever brought me comfort. Because I was relying on something that was never there for me. Once you realise that there is nothing to rely on, the universe makes sense, and you can just get on with your life. And you don’t have to worry about all the stupid arbitrary rules.

I think the reason most atheists don’t talk about this is that they don’t want to try to sway religious people into deconverting for emotional reasons. They want people to deconvert because of a rational argument. Well, I’m not trying to deconvert anyone here. I just think that the emotional side effects of the atheist world view need to be talked about. We shouldn’t let the religious dominate this dialogue, too. To my atheist readers, what have been the positive emotional effects that you have had since becoming an atheist?

How not to talk to trans* people.

I recently had a little exchange on my blog with a commenter, John A. David. This is an example of  how not to talk to someone who is trans*. Some of his comments have been edited by me. See this post for explanation.

First, John said this:

 By the way, I am not pissed at all, actually I felt nothing but one thing that you are deeply troubled. I get it why you seem frustrated with your troubles, so do not think I talking about things I do not know. As a teenager I struggled with sexual orientation

No, you do not know what you are talking about. Struggling with sexual orientation is nothing like the hell that is dysphoria. Do you have any idea what it is like to despise the sound of your own voice? So I responded to him thusly:

You have no fucking clue what gender dysphoria is like. Do not claim that you do. It is not like struggling to accept your sexual orientation. I am seriously enraged by what you wrote there. I am trying very hard to remain civil.

Jackass responded thusly:

 Yeah, may be I do not. I also do have cancer but I can still see the pain reflected. Everyone has his own demons to face, you have yours, I have mine. Can you feel what I feel, no way. So in that way no one is different. But my comment was not insulting if that’s how you took it. I only wanted to say, I can see why you are upset. It must be very discomforting for you.

So, John not only didn’t apologize for presumptuously comparing his struggle with sexual orientation to my gender dysphoria, he condescendingly told me not to be offended by it. Well then jackass, how about you go fuck yourself.

Midori Skies (love the name by the way) responded to John:

 Um, wow. That’s even worse than the “I’m sorry if I offended you” brand of not-pology. Your intent to not be insulitng in writing your earlier comment does not somehow magically nullify the offensiveness of your saying that you understand gender dysphoria because you “struggled with sexual orientation”. You do not understand what gender dysphoria is like. There’s no maybe about it.

Thank you. Seriously, Thank you.♥

John came back with:

 I never said I understand gender dysphoria, so I am not sure why would you repeatedly bring this.up. I said, I know how its frustrating when one is struggling with an issue, which for me was sexual orientation

A. Yes, the fuck you did. ” I get it why you seem frustrated with your troubles, so do not think I talking about things I do not know.”

B. Midori Skies brought it back up.

C. It isn’t struggling with an issue. It is looking in the mirror and seeing a man where a woman should be. It is about your sense of self. It is something you can’t escape. And after I transition I have to look forward to the fact that 1 in 12 trans women are murdered. 42% of transgender folkss attempt suicide before transition. Many do not survive to transition. So go fuck yourself, you condescending jackass.

John finished up with this Gem

 anyway, I apologize again for the misunderstanding.

Let me reword this: I’m sorry that you didn’t understand me.

Problems with this:

1. Not taking any responsibility for his fuck up.
2. Blaming me for not understanding what he meant.
3. Even what he meant was extremely condescending.

So John, The only other thing I want to hear from you is a real apology. Anything else will be blocked.