Tag Archive | discrimination

A poem for those involved in anti-oppressive and social justice movements

CW: transphobia, assault, violence
CN: I’m not your friendly neighborhood transsexual.

Already There

Your pretty words mean nothing

I see how you see me

Go on, tell me just how anti-oppressive you are.

You know the language, the protocols

But when you slip and say “he” I know what I am to you

The way you look at me when I go into the bathroom

 

Your pretty words mean nothing

When I can’t get a job

When Teenagers are being set on fire

In “Liberal California”

God Damn you all to hell

I’m already there.

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Do you know?

content note: trans-misogyny, slurs

 

Do you know what it’s like to stand stone faced as your boss makes a transphobic joke and everyone laughs?

Do you know what it’s like to remain silent, because if you speak, you’ll scream obscenities at him and get fired?

Do you know what it’s like to work someplace where the most queer supportive person doesn’t give a damn about the discrimination you face and talks about eating at chik-fil-a?

Do you know what it’s like to be a thing? despised?

Do you know what it’s like to hold back tears, and keep working through your shift?

Do you know what it’s like to know that it doesn’t get better, that it’s only going to get worse?

Do you know what it’s like to be a stupid little tranny bitch?

Do you know?

Do you fucking know?

 

 

I’m gonna go cry now.

I really need some time in queer space.

I’ve had a hellacious couple of days. Things I’ve been subjected to:

  • Transphobic jokes and remarks from just about everyone I know.
  • Homophobic rants, including one from someone who knows that I’m bi going off about their straight cis boss calling him a, “Queer ass, cock-sucking  ass-fucking, son of a bitch.” and someone else who doesn’t know about me talking about how he doesn’t hate gay people, but he doesn’t want to see them kissing in public. Well, there was a lot more detail, but let’s just leave it at that.
  • More than the average homophobic jokes on my double shift at work today
  • Having to witness some extreme sexual harassment of a co-worker, and not being able to stop it. At least she knows that I’ll be a witness for her if she wants to go to HR.

So yeah, Straight cis people, I really don’t want to hear from y’all right now. I think I’ve heard enough.

Fuck it….. I guess I’ll write about this tonight….. Emotions, Anger, and Dealing with Harassment

I woke up angry today. Even when I’m enjoying myself, even when I’m laughing, lately there has been a low grade anger burning underneath the surface that never really goes away. Less suicidal thoughts and more violent ones. Luckily, I learned to deal with my violent tendencies when I was much younger. I’ve been trying to figure out the source of this anger. There are plenty of things that it could be. Things that I deal with on a day to day basis. But those things usually just make me angry while I’m experiencing them. Like Tim.

What could it be? Could it be a reaction to the trans-misogyny rampant in society? Is it related to my depression, some weird new form? Is it a side effect of dysphoria? Resentment from having to pretend to be something I’m not all day long? That last one is definitely a part of it.

Whatever it is, my workplace environment is amplifying it. Today I had a conversation with a co-worker who was convinced that gender inequality exists, but that it favors women. Luckily for me, it was the only rational person I work with. (Hint: It’s not the other atheist.) I was able to completely turn his views around. Yay feminism. But this usually isn’t the case. My job is a hotbed of sexism and misogyny, perpetuated by the women and the men. I do what I can, but it doesn’t accomplish much. The people are also extremely homophobic, which even though no one, except for the aforementioned rational person, knows that I’m bisexual (he doesn’t know that I’m trans*), I can’t help but take personally. Not to mention that there is a rumor going around that I’m gay.

And being an atheist doesn’t help my situation there. I don’t face rampant discrimination for it most of the time, but, with a few exceptions  people treat me differently after they find out. They are still cordial, but there is a wall between us that wasn’t present before. Then there is the fact that one of my managers is a deacon at a local church, and another one is recruiting people I work with to go to church with him.

Not to mention that I have to go behind lazy people and do their jobs after them.

But along with all the other stuff I’m dealing with, I’m being sexually harassed. I’ve actually experienced work based sexual harassment in several forms from different people at different jobs. And this is while everybody assumes that I’m a cis straight guy. Well maybe they don’t always assume that I’m straight. Gives me a mere taste of the metric fuckton of harassment I’ll get to experience once I’m further along in transition. One time, at a different job, One of the owners, a gay guy was the culprit. And his husband, one of the other owners, was the chef. They both did occasionally. Many feminists talk about the male gaze. Well, I know exactly what they’re talking about. But they would also  “joke” in a sexual manner with me. One time they were talking about coming in when the restaurant was closed for a heavy cleaning day. One of them told me that the dress code for the day was tight jeans and no shirt. You should have seen the look on his face. A different time, after I finished closing up the kitchen, one of them told me that I should come back to the bar later, that they were having a wet underwear contest. No, it wasn’t a gay bar, but it was a gay and lesbian friendly hangout for an older crowd. These are only two of the many instances from that job.

Another of the instances of sexual harassment was done by a woman I worked with who was not in management. It got so bad at one point, that she was literally rubbing her body ( and I don’t mean the side of her body) up against me while I was trying to do my job. She’s the only person who has ever harassed me that I was able to get to stop. All it took for her to stop was a conversation. By then, I was at the breaking point, and I think it showed in my face. I think the thing that got her to back down were the words “Please stop.” I didn’t say them very assertively though, almost begging in tone.

Now to the harassment I’m currently facing. It’s coming from the other atheist, who I’ll call Bob, and it is a different type of sexual harassment. There have been many instances, but the most egregious happened recently.

To give a much needed setup, I need to introduce one of my co-workers that I haven’t previously mentioned. Let’s call her Angela. Angela is one of the few people, along with her daughter who also works there, who hasn’t changed her disposition towards me after finding out that I’m an atheist. That might change if she found out the rest of the facts about me, but for the moment, she is one of the best friends I have at my job. People joke about us as if we are a couple, and there was even a rumor that went around briefly. Heck, we even joke about being together romantically, though the relationship is nothing like that. Even though she’s active with the state republican party, and a committed catholic, she doesn’t treat me any differently for being an ex-catholic atheist, and that simple kindness goes a long way. If you’ve been reading this blog, you already know this, but I’ve been growing my hair out, and people comment on it. Angela hates my hair being long and keeps after me trying to get me to get it cut. I won’t do that. Fuck that. It makes me look more feminine. I love my hair, and I’m going to keep growing it out, but I can’t tell her the reason for that.

So one day, Bob hollers out loud so everyone in the kitchen can hear him, “We all know that Angela really likes your hair. She’s just covering up the fact that she likes to pull it while she fucks you up the ass with a strap-on.”

Yeah.

No one is willing to corroborate my story with HR even though they think it is harassment. If they did, they might just have to examine their own behavior towards the women I work with.

See, they don’t think what he did is wrong because of the nature of it, he jokes about me all the time. They just think he crossed a line because he got that specific about describing a sexual behavior. Most of the time his jokes are more of the nature of, “We need to get [birthname removed] a hooker and some Viagra.”

So yeah, I’m angry, I’m dealing with a bunch of shit that is aggravating it, and I can’t even tell my parents what I’m dealing with, and I really want to be able to lean on them, cause fuck trusting Tim with anything personal.

Don’t Panic

FUCK THAT. I’M GONNA PANIC.

I don’t know how much longer I can live as a man. The dysphoria and gender dissonance are getting worse. I think about suicide all the time. I don’t want to die. But I can’t stop thinking about killing myself.

How the fuck do I tell my parents that I don’t want to be a man? How do I tell them? How can I get them to understand what is happening to their son? How can I get them to accept me as their daughter? Hell, I’m still too afraid to tell them I’m bisexual.

I’m going to lose the only friend I have that I can count on. He’s been there with me for everything since highschool. This is the guy I called Tim in a recent post. The friendship is already toxic at this point. He’s a liberal christian. He hates that I’m an atheist. He doesn’t believe in bisexuality. He thinks everyone is either straight or gay. Homosexuality is disgusting to him on a personal level, except when it’s hot chicks in a porno. He’s a gender essentialist.

I’ve been trying so hard to get him to change his views, but it just isn’t going to happen.

I live in a fire at will state with no protections for discrimination.

I want to transition, but I’m so damn scared.

How the fuck do I do this?

What’s the Point?

I can’t win.

No matter what I do, I can’t win.

If I come out, I face discrimination, possibly lose my relationship with my family, lose hours, maybe my job. I might wind up homeless. I barely make enough money to survive as is. If I don’t come out, I will never have an honest relationship with anybody. I will continue to hate everything about myself. I will continue to have to be constantly vigilant to never let anyone know that I’m not straight, and I’m not male. It’s slowly killing me.

At work, if I have the same attitudes, and do the same thing as the people who got promoted, I get a verbal reprimand. If I don’t, I’m not acting like I want a supervisor position. They tell me to do something a certain way, then a week later, ask me why I’m doing it that way.

I’m fucked. Nothing I do is right.

I can’t win, and I don’t want to play anymore.