Tag Archive | emotions

The Wall

I walled away my emotions

In order to function

Now only pretending to be human

Feeling only annoyance, mild amusement, and a vague sense of dissatisfaction

Dead inside while a part of me is screaming

A life worth living?

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A poem for my father

dedicated to my dad:

Abomination

Look at your abomination

Look at me

See your daughter as herself

Speak her name.

You can’t.

All you can do is cry at the twisted visage of your lost son.

How dare you?

Do you know what I’ve been through?

How happy I am now?

Yet you cry and turn away.

Look at your abomination.

I came out to my parents

I’ve finally told them I’m a woman.

Well, their response was non-optimal, but good enough. At least they told me they still loved me. I have no idea where things are headed from here with them, but either way, I have a series of long conversations with them ahead of me.

In case you didn’t see it, I’m moving!!! I’ve got a fund-raiser going on to help with the costs. Please donate. I really could use the help. Or you could always donate to my transition fund.

Missed dose

Fuck. Never again.

That was worse than quitting smoking.

Irritable, annoyed, felt like I had the flu.

I felt dead inside again.

Mirror distortions happened too.

I ended up hurting people I care about. I won’t forgive myself for that anytime soon.

I will always, always, always carry spares with me from now on.

Lesson learned.

The hard way.

Never again.

Do you know?

content note: trans-misogyny, slurs

 

Do you know what it’s like to stand stone faced as your boss makes a transphobic joke and everyone laughs?

Do you know what it’s like to remain silent, because if you speak, you’ll scream obscenities at him and get fired?

Do you know what it’s like to work someplace where the most queer supportive person doesn’t give a damn about the discrimination you face and talks about eating at chik-fil-a?

Do you know what it’s like to be a thing? despised?

Do you know what it’s like to hold back tears, and keep working through your shift?

Do you know what it’s like to know that it doesn’t get better, that it’s only going to get worse?

Do you know what it’s like to be a stupid little tranny bitch?

Do you know?

Do you fucking know?

 

 

I’m gonna go cry now.

Learning to cry

I don’t know if this post is going to make any sense. I’m very tired and can’t sleep.

I’m learning to cry.

Cry in front of other people.

This is an alien experience for me.

For the longest time, I couldn’t cry. I simply wasn’t able to. Now I am. Ever since I started the process of transitioning. But even still, I don’t ever cry in front of other people. Until recently. It’s a strange wonderful vulnerable experience. It allows me to be sad without being depressed. But it’s still unsettling to me. I feel bad for making someone else sad. So I apologize, even though I have nothing to be sorry for. I’ve got to learn to stop doing that. I’ve got to internalize the idea that it is OK to cry. To accept their support. To be human.

At times, atheism can be very comforting.

This is something no one seems to talk about. The positive emotional effects of being an atheist. I wonder why.

I was driving home from a “friend’s” house, when I started crying thinking about, “why? Why do I have to be this way? Why can’t I just be normal? Why do I have to deal with this shit?” Then I remembered something. I am the way that I am because of natural variation in the species, and I just happened to get the short straw in life. See, there is an explanation for why I’m trans*. No god did this to me, it’s just a natural part of life.  I don’t have to beg and plead to a supernatural entity with the false hope of changing, I can just deal with the cards on the table, make a plan, and get on with life. It was very calming. Reality has that effect.

I no longer have to fear hell, or the wrath of an unjust god. Any pain, any misery this life brings me will eventually pass, so why not try to be happy? It too, will eventually pass, so I might as well make the most out of this one life that I do have.

Religion, on the other hand, never gave me comfort. When I was young, I had a pretty severe anger problem. Prayer never helped with it. In fact, prayer made it worse. Only after being taught a secular version of meditation was I able to get control over my anger. Belief in god never brought me comfort. God was judge, jury, and executioner, and no one could ever live up to his standards. I crushed my sense of self, I crushed my attraction to guys, and never had a chance of being happy because I was a true believer in Catholicism. Prayer never calmed me. I was taught that god helps those who help themselves, so I never had any hope that God would do anything for me, but that I was still supposed to rely on him anyway. Religion fucked me right up. Even after I left Catholicism, even after I left christianity all together, none of the religions I tried out ever brought me comfort. Because I was relying on something that was never there for me. Once you realise that there is nothing to rely on, the universe makes sense, and you can just get on with your life. And you don’t have to worry about all the stupid arbitrary rules.

I think the reason most atheists don’t talk about this is that they don’t want to try to sway religious people into deconverting for emotional reasons. They want people to deconvert because of a rational argument. Well, I’m not trying to deconvert anyone here. I just think that the emotional side effects of the atheist world view need to be talked about. We shouldn’t let the religious dominate this dialogue, too. To my atheist readers, what have been the positive emotional effects that you have had since becoming an atheist?