Tag Archive | Pansexual

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long hair and dysphoria

The last time my hair was this long, I was in junior high. I don’t know why I cut it. Oh yeah, the high school I went to didn’t allow boys to have long hair. I’ve told myself so many times that I look horrible with long hair. The problem was never that I looked bad. It was an excuse. Before I realized I was trans, anything that coded as for girls, on me, made me hate myself because I just saw a guy.  Now, sometimes I see a woman in the mirror and smile. Other times, I still see that guy. And I hate it.

But on low dysphoria days, I can say, the guy in the mirror is attractive. I’d fuck a guy that looked like that.

So much for that autogynephilia diagnoses. It’s funny being a pan trans girl sometimes.

The stupidest fucking debate.

Bisexuality vs Pansexuality.

Yes. I’ve seen this five times in the last week alone. Can we stop doing this. There are so many different definitions of both of these terms, and they mostly overlap. If someone says that they are pansexual, and you don’t know what they mean by that, ASK THEM. Don’t ask them to tell you the difference between that and bisexuality. If someone says that they are bisexual, don’t assume that they are enforcing the gender binary, won’t date trans* people, and aren’t attracted to non-binary trans* people. If you aren’t sure about what someone means when they say that they are bisexual, ASK THEM. Don’t ask them to tell you the difference between that and pansexuality. Personally, I use the terms interchangeably to describe myself, though I actually prefer the term non-monosexual, but that will never catch on so I usually just say bisexual, because most people know it and it gives them a general idea of who I am capable of being attracted to. Please stop policing other people’s sexual orientation.

My dumbass friend Tim,

My dumbass friend Tim thinks he is smart.
He is not.

My dumbass friend Tim thinks he understands science.
He does not.

My dumbass friend Tim thinks natural selection involves intention.
It does not.

My dumbass friend Tim always wins arguments because he will wear down anyone talking with him until they concede.
He is rarely correct.

My dumbass friend Tim does not think that bisexuality is real.
It is.

My dumbass friend Tim, when presented with scientific literature, will claim that he understands science better than the author of the paper.
He does not.

My dumbass friend Tim, compared homosexuality to a genetic disease.
It isn’t.

My dumbass friend Tim is a gender essentialist who will misgender someone intentionally because he refuses “to accommodate their insanity.”

My dumbass friend Tim,
Can go fuck himself.

Don’t Panic

FUCK THAT. I’M GONNA PANIC.

I don’t know how much longer I can live as a man. The dysphoria and gender dissonance are getting worse. I think about suicide all the time. I don’t want to die. But I can’t stop thinking about killing myself.

How the fuck do I tell my parents that I don’t want to be a man? How do I tell them? How can I get them to understand what is happening to their son? How can I get them to accept me as their daughter? Hell, I’m still too afraid to tell them I’m bisexual.

I’m going to lose the only friend I have that I can count on. He’s been there with me for everything since highschool. This is the guy I called Tim in a recent post. The friendship is already toxic at this point. He’s a liberal christian. He hates that I’m an atheist. He doesn’t believe in bisexuality. He thinks everyone is either straight or gay. Homosexuality is disgusting to him on a personal level, except when it’s hot chicks in a porno. He’s a gender essentialist.

I’ve been trying so hard to get him to change his views, but it just isn’t going to happen.

I live in a fire at will state with no protections for discrimination.

I want to transition, but I’m so damn scared.

How the fuck do I do this?

What’s the Point?

I can’t win.

No matter what I do, I can’t win.

If I come out, I face discrimination, possibly lose my relationship with my family, lose hours, maybe my job. I might wind up homeless. I barely make enough money to survive as is. If I don’t come out, I will never have an honest relationship with anybody. I will continue to hate everything about myself. I will continue to have to be constantly vigilant to never let anyone know that I’m not straight, and I’m not male. It’s slowly killing me.

At work, if I have the same attitudes, and do the same thing as the people who got promoted, I get a verbal reprimand. If I don’t, I’m not acting like I want a supervisor position. They tell me to do something a certain way, then a week later, ask me why I’m doing it that way.

I’m fucked. Nothing I do is right.

I can’t win, and I don’t want to play anymore.