Tag Archive | Relationships

She said she didn’t want me

So this is what dating someone

Then no longer dating that someone feels like.

I should have seen this coming

And parts of me wonder if she was ever really interested.

Or if she was just going along because I was.

I know she found me attractive once…

I know that it was real

I know I still love her

But not in the way I did

I care deeply still

But the romantic feelings vanished

In the very moment

She said she didn’t want me any longer

I already miss her

And what we had

But I don’t want to be with her

AIN’T THAT SOME FUCKED UP SHIT

So pain will be pain

A nice clean heat

Burning in place

Of the fire I once had for her

Until it consumes itself

And once again

We’ll be friends

Like we were in the beginning

And yet.

Tw: abuse, self-harm, suicide

Sometimes I want to hurt myself

Just to feel anything

Sometimes I want to hurt myself

To externalize the pain

 

I know the difference between teasing and mocking

Who drew this target on me anyway?

Was it my mom terrorizing me?

Was it the Church teaching me I was worthless?

Was it my entire school’s ostracism?

It wasn’t my first friend, who choked me.

It wasn’t the other who threatened me.

They came later, with a target already drawn.

 

Sometimes I want to kill myself.

I wonder how I haven’t done it yet.

My entire life I’ve been mocked.

Friends, coworkers, those in power above.

Sometimes I want to die

Self hatred never knocks

And then I remember the few

Who’ve held my tenderness

Who’ve been worthy of my trust

And I cry

So few have

A poem for my father

dedicated to my dad:

Abomination

Look at your abomination

Look at me

See your daughter as herself

Speak her name.

You can’t.

All you can do is cry at the twisted visage of your lost son.

How dare you?

Do you know what I’ve been through?

How happy I am now?

Yet you cry and turn away.

Look at your abomination.

I came out to my parents

I’ve finally told them I’m a woman.

Well, their response was non-optimal, but good enough. At least they told me they still loved me. I have no idea where things are headed from here with them, but either way, I have a series of long conversations with them ahead of me.

In case you didn’t see it, I’m moving!!! I’ve got a fund-raiser going on to help with the costs. Please donate. I really could use the help. Or you could always donate to my transition fund.

Things you should know if you plan on interacting with me.

This goes for online, and in meatspace.

1. I always accept compliments.

2. If you are going to flirt, ask first. Sometimes it’s cool. Sometimes it’s not.

3. Hugs. Most of the time, I’m ok with them from people I know. Sometimes I don’t want to be touched though. I’ll make it clear when I do not want to be touched. This is why I like it when people offer hugs instead of just throwing them out there.

4. Cuddles. No. Do not ask for these or offer them to me, unless we are romantic. I do not do platonic cuddles. You have a better chance at having sex with me than getting me to cuddle with you.

5. Don’t ever touch the front of my neck. The side is fine, and can be pretty hot. Same with the back. But don’t ever touch the front of my neck. It’s a major trigger and I will not react well. If you want to know why it’s a trigger for me, ask and I’ll email you or dm you if you follow me on twitter.

6. Unless we are romantic, do not ask for pictures. I will provide them if and when I feel like it. I might ask who wants to see them, in which case you can then request them, but don’t just ask me for them.

That covers everything I can think of right now, but I might add to this later.

To the person who found this blog searching for “Merry Christmas for Mom and Dad in Heaven”

I’m sorry to tell you this, but when we die, that’s it. The joy, pain, and everything in between is over. The best thing you can do for your parents is remember them. That way, they live on in you. That way, what they did can still affect the world through you. Cherish  your memories. And most of all, if you can, and still have a good relationship with the family you have now, cherish and enjoy them while you can, because we only get this one life. Especially if you still have a good relationship with them. Trust me. This comes from someone who is having severe family problems and may be disowned by the majority of my family, though I don’t know for sure.

I wish you the best.

Emily

Well……. That was a fucked up conversation.

So, I just got off the phone. Somehow, despite my best efforts, Tim brings up atheism. He always does this late at fucking night when I can’t think right. Fucker. He starts going on about how atheists are just like 9/11 truthers. “They’re always asking for more evidence, They get really mad when you don’t agree with them, come on man, you know I’m right, YOU’RE just like them.” What the Fuck? Seriously. That’s how you escape the burden of proof. Fuck you. The difference is that the 9/11 truthers are offering a theory that contradicts the evidence. Of course I didn’t say that. Instead, I told him that I would rather not get into atheist/christian debate right now. I told him that if we got into it, we probably wouldn’t remain friends much longer. This guy.

So then he goes into how much it pisses him off when someone tries to change the subject. Now get this shit. He says that if I really piss him off, “I could really fuck up your life with one phone call.” He’s referring to outing me as bisexual to my parents. I go dead silent. What the fuck do you even say to something like that? It’s hard to even describe how that made me feel. What a fucking betrayal. A slap to the face. An utter repudiation of everything that we have ever done for each other. I think that my ability to hear even went out momentarily. Next thing I hear over the phone is him saying “hello?” I respond that I’m still there. The next part is a little blurry, even though it just happened. I tell him that I need to know if what I just heard was what he meant, that he would out me to my parents if I pissed him off enough. He got mad at me for believing that he would actually do that, that he was joking around. That, “after all I’ve done for you, do you think that I would do something like that to harm you?” You know what, I didn’t say this to him, but that is exactly why I don’t trust him with anything personal anymore. I don’t fucking trust him. He’s manipulative. He’s constantly tearing me down. And now, because I trusted him, he has power over me until I come out to my parents as Bi. This is one of the many reasons he doesn’t know I’m trans*. He doesn’t even bother to hide his contempt for me for being an atheist like I showed above. And I never knew how ridiculously homophobic he was until I came out to him. Why the fuck did I ever waste so much time, effort and emotion on this guy? And now, I have to pretend like everything is normal, because he holds power over me. I’m even going to hang out with him tomorrow. I feel like crying.