Tag Archive | Suicide

So, you think we don’t need as much medicine as we take.

Content note: Suicide, medical talk, dysphoria, ablism

Let me tell you about my medical conditions.

1. I have a propensity for esophageal ulcers. I was born with a deformity. The valve from my stomach to my esophagus doesn’t close all the way. On top of that, I have a sliding hiatal hernia. That means the top part of my stomach will sometimes slide up into my esophagus. I have frequent heartburn and acid reflux. Left untreated, I will end up in the hospital or dead. For this, I need antacids.

2. I have hormonal gender dysphoria. Without treatment, my mental state gets so bad that I can’t stand it, and get extremely suicidal. Without treatment, I would kill myself. I came close a couple of times. The knife was on my wrist. I need anti-androgens and estrogen. ( I need additionaltreatment for genital based gender dysphoria, but I can handle that without killing myself for now.)

3. I have migraine headaches that can last 4 to 8 hours and be so debilitating that all I can do is curl up in a ball in a dark quiet room. I need painkillers to treat this. (and I can’t take too many because of the digestive system problems)

4. I have chronic pain from joints, nerves, and muscles. Some days I can’t even get out of the bed to get food. I usually don’t bother taking pain killers, because they are minimally effective, and irritate my acid reflux. I also don’t want them to become less effective for migraines. But I will take painkillers for this when absolutely necessary.

5. I have asthma. Without treatment when I was younger, I would be dead.

6. I have various allergies. Some of these are severe. Without treatment, I would die. For this, I need anti-histamines.

You think we’re taking too many medicines? I have friends with diabetes that need insulin. Friends with PTSD, anxiety disorders, depression, and other medical conditions that they need treatment¬† for. Do you want us to stop taking the medicines that are keeping us alive?

And yet.

Tw: abuse, self-harm, suicide

Sometimes I want to hurt myself

Just to feel anything

Sometimes I want to hurt myself

To externalize the pain

 

I know the difference between teasing and mocking

Who drew this target on me anyway?

Was it my mom terrorizing me?

Was it the Church teaching me I was worthless?

Was it my entire school’s ostracism?

It wasn’t my first friend, who choked me.

It wasn’t the other who threatened me.

They came later, with a target already drawn.

 

Sometimes I want to kill myself.

I wonder how I haven’t done it yet.

My entire life I’ve been mocked.

Friends, coworkers, those in power above.

Sometimes I want to die

Self hatred never knocks

And then I remember the few

Who’ve held my tenderness

Who’ve been worthy of my trust

And I cry

So few have

Don’t Panic

FUCK THAT. I’M GONNA PANIC.

I don’t know how much longer I can live as a man. The dysphoria and gender dissonance are getting worse. I think about suicide all the time. I don’t want to die. But I can’t stop thinking about killing myself.

How the fuck do I tell my parents that I don’t want to be a man? How do I tell them? How can I get them to understand what is happening to their son? How can I get them to accept me as their daughter? Hell, I’m still too afraid to tell them I’m bisexual.

I’m going to lose the only friend I have that I can count on. He’s been there with me for everything since highschool. This is the guy I called Tim in a recent post. The friendship is already toxic at this point. He’s a liberal christian. He hates that I’m an atheist. He doesn’t believe in bisexuality. He thinks everyone is either straight or gay. Homosexuality is disgusting to him on a personal level, except when it’s hot chicks in a porno. He’s a gender essentialist.

I’ve been trying so hard to get him to change his views, but it just isn’t going to happen.

I live in a fire at will state with no protections for discrimination.

I want to transition, but I’m so damn scared.

How the fuck do I do this?