Tag Archive | Suicide

So, you think we don’t need as much medicine as we take.

Content note: Suicide, medical talk, dysphoria, ablism

Let me tell you about my medical conditions.

1. I have a propensity for esophageal ulcers. I was born with a deformity. The valve from my stomach to my esophagus doesn’t close all the way. On top of that, I have a sliding hiatal hernia. That means the top part of my stomach will sometimes slide up into my esophagus. I have frequent heartburn and acid reflux. Left untreated, I will end up in the hospital or dead. For this, I need antacids.

2. I have hormonal gender dysphoria. Without treatment, my mental state gets so bad that I can’t stand it, and get extremely suicidal. Without treatment, I would kill myself. I came close a couple of times. The knife was on my wrist. I need anti-androgens and estrogen. ( I need additionaltreatment for genital based gender dysphoria, but I can handle that without killing myself for now.)

3. I have migraine headaches that can last 4 to 8 hours and be so debilitating that all I can do is curl up in a ball in a dark quiet room. I need painkillers to treat this. (and I can’t take too many because of the digestive system problems)

4. I have chronic pain from joints, nerves, and muscles. Some days I can’t even get out of the bed to get food. I usually don’t bother taking pain killers, because they are minimally effective, and irritate my acid reflux. I also don’t want them to become less effective for migraines. But I will take painkillers for this when absolutely necessary.

5. I have asthma. Without treatment when I was younger, I would be dead.

6. I have various allergies. Some of these are severe. Without treatment, I would die. For this, I need anti-histamines.

You think we’re taking too many medicines? I have friends with diabetes that need insulin. Friends with PTSD, anxiety disorders, depression, and other medical conditions that they need treatment¬† for. Do you want us to stop taking the medicines that are keeping us alive?

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While visions of suicide dance in her head

Tw: suicide

You ever wake up

And can’t get the ideation to stop?

Veins open again and again

 

Dance, Dance, the merry dance

I’m not even depressed

But the thoughts won’t cease

 

Haunted by visions

I dare not relieve

These are my good days

And yet.

Tw: abuse, self-harm, suicide

Sometimes I want to hurt myself

Just to feel anything

Sometimes I want to hurt myself

To externalize the pain

 

I know the difference between teasing and mocking

Who drew this target on me anyway?

Was it my mom terrorizing me?

Was it the Church teaching me I was worthless?

Was it my entire school’s ostracism?

It wasn’t my first friend, who choked me.

It wasn’t the other who threatened me.

They came later, with a target already drawn.

 

Sometimes I want to kill myself.

I wonder how I haven’t done it yet.

My entire life I’ve been mocked.

Friends, coworkers, those in power above.

Sometimes I want to die

Self hatred never knocks

And then I remember the few

Who’ve held my tenderness

Who’ve been worthy of my trust

And I cry

So few have

Don’t Panic

FUCK THAT. I’M GONNA PANIC.

I don’t know how much longer I can live as a man. The dysphoria and gender dissonance are getting worse. I think about suicide all the time. I don’t want to die. But I can’t stop thinking about killing myself.

How the fuck do I tell my parents that I don’t want to be a man? How do I tell them? How can I get them to understand what is happening to their son? How can I get them to accept me as their daughter? Hell, I’m still too afraid to tell them I’m bisexual.

I’m going to lose the only friend I have that I can count on. He’s been there with me for everything since highschool. This is the guy I called Tim in a recent post. The friendship is already toxic at this point. He’s a liberal christian. He hates that I’m an atheist. He doesn’t believe in bisexuality. He thinks everyone is either straight or gay. Homosexuality is disgusting to him on a personal level, except when it’s hot chicks in a porno. He’s a gender essentialist.

I’ve been trying so hard to get him to change his views, but it just isn’t going to happen.

I live in a fire at will state with no protections for discrimination.

I want to transition, but I’m so damn scared.

How the fuck do I do this?