Tag Archive | Transition

Sacrifices were made to get where I am today.

For my Shadowsoul

“It’s OK to cry”

As if I could stop

I’m sick of crying

I’ve been crying all day

 

These tears are just the shadow of my grief

Shallow and worthless

 

Do you know what a dream stripped away is?

Do you know how hard it is to live?

To follow one self, possibilities die.

 

He died

The man who lived in this body

An unwitting sacrifice

So I could live.

I mourn him as I wander in his corpse.

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Will I wake

Dreams of impermanace

The transitory nature of things

The Old me: dead, gone, buried, never to return

The New me, emerging

 

Moving on

Changing cities, states, timezones

Lives

What will happen?

 

Will they die soon?

Will I?

Will this be the last chance?

One last time.

 

But things change

And slide from one state to another.

I’ll miss them.

I really fucking hate assimilationist LG culture.

So, I decided to sit down and waste some time watching “the Gay and Lesbian Comedy Slam.” I figured it would be bad, I mean no even token nod to the rest of the GSRM community, but this shit was fucking horrible. These folks are no more my people than Cis, Straight, Evangelical, hard line conservative Christians.

It started out with a transphobic joke. The first fucking line of the show. Well Y’all can go fuck yourselves right back. It was fucking terrible, misgendering and deadnaming someone, and appropriating “transition” all for the sake of a really shitty joke.

So much racism, bi-phobia, cissexism, and out right transphobia, as well as gay male misogyny. Don’t forget the classism, pro-militarism, and rape culture bullshit. Oh, and we can’t forget the gender role enforcement even within gay culture.

I’m sick of seeing any type of queer folks upholding this kyriarchical bullshit, but the Cis Gay and Lesbian scene has made an entire culture surrounding it. “We’re just like you, only we are attracted to the same sex.” Yeah, and fuck you too. Our entire overculture is toxic, and you want to reflect and be part of those power structures instead of tearing them down. You are not my family. And they will never want you. Call me when you wake the fuck up. We’ll be here waiting like we always have been.

2 month update.

New changes. Fat redistribution has occurred on my lower  body making it so that I now have womanly shaped thighs. It’s awesome. Body hair growth has slowed, but not gone away. I’ve got a small A or full AA cup sized breasts. And I look like a woman now. If only I didn’t have this fucking facial hair.

Emily.

I’ve got a fundraiser going to help with my move to the bay area. Please donate.

Or you can donate to my transition fund.

HRT chronicles: Visiting Lyon Martin.

Well, I went to get my blood work done, as I mentioned in the last HRT update, and it turns out that I’m on the exact dose I need to be on. Amazing.

 

The staff there are excellent, especially my primary care provider: Leah. I never knew that medical staff could be efficient, no-nonsense, and friendly all at once. I felt very welcome and safe there.

 

It really is an excellent facility.

 

Oh, and I’ve got a prescription now. Fuck yeah.

 

 

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Missed dose

Fuck. Never again.

That was worse than quitting smoking.

Irritable, annoyed, felt like I had the flu.

I felt dead inside again.

Mirror distortions happened too.

I ended up hurting people I care about. I won’t forgive myself for that anytime soon.

I will always, always, always carry spares with me from now on.

Lesson learned.

The hard way.

Never again.

firsts

First time in San Francisco

First time going out in girlmode.

First time spending all day in girlmode.

First time wearing a skirt in public.

First time going on a date in girlmode.

First time going to Lyon Martin.

This and many others too personal to mention have happened. And this is only my second day of  vacation.

 

HRT update

content warning: Explicit, TMI

Current dosage: 4mg Estrofem (sublingual) 200 mg spironolactone. This is split into a morning dose and an evening dose.

My testicles have shrunk even more, to about a third of their original size.
It’s a lot harder to orgasm.
When I do orgasm, the ejaculate is much less in volume than it used to be, and almost clear.

The fat on my face has shifted a little. My skin has also changed texture slightly. These two things combined have made my face look a little more feminine.

Boobs.
Boobs.
I’ve got boobs. They’re small, but they exist.

Oh, and I’m going to get my bloodwork done soon, so I’ll give you an update about those results if I can when I get them. I might not be able to due to computer problems.

Please donate so I can afford to stay on these magical pills.

HRT chronicles: day 29

Previous update

CW: TMI, explicit

So, today I’m upping my estrogen to4mg, making it one 100mg spiro and one 2mg E in the morning (or early afternoon for you people with day jobs) and another dose of the same at night

so, to correct something in the previous update, I am still getting erections, though they are less frequent.

I’ve had slight boob growth.

Facial hair has slightly lightened in color.

My face feels like it looks slightly more feminine. though that could just be self perception.

Mental effects are the same.

and I still haven’t gotten used to the enhanced smelling.

Let’s see where this increased dose takes me.

 

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