Is this hell?

CN: christianity, abuse, trans stuff

Like, sometimes I wonder if I’m in hell. See, one of the things I was taught, or should I say indoctrinated into, is that God’s presence is absent in hell. And I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in gods. But maybe that’s because they really don’t exist on this plane of existence and I’m being punished. I mean, like, why else would I have to go thru the dysphoria, intense chronic pain, and all the rest. Sometimes I wonder if all the abuse is just background that’s inflicted upon me as another form of torture.

So, I don’t actually believe this is the case. I’m not that narcissistic. But yeah, I got some mental issues and hang ups left from when I was Catholic. That shit is toxic, y’all.

Food

After barely eating for a couple of days, I’m suddenly ravenous.  I must be starting to come out of my depressive cycle. Yay for temporary reprieves.

Just got back from tim’s place.

Fucking scumbag.

Oddly, I’m a little less depressed. I think it’s because now I have a place to direct all this hatred, instead of just at myself.

Get this shit. He starts talking about how “black people see racism everywhere. It’s just not that bad. In this country, racism is mostly a thing that is unacceptable. If they weren’t looking for it, they wouldn’t be seeing it.” Wow. Fuck. I have no words. What a fucking douche. Seriously, I can’t even communicate on a basic level with this scumbag anymore. How do you convince someone so allergic to basic logic and reasoning anything.

In other news, I must be a great fucking actor. He has no idea just how much I hate him at this point. And so much of what he has been saying lately is so highly problematic. Not just the stuff directed at me for being an atheist, or his homophobia and transphobia. He’s starting to let slip just how misogynistic he is too. I wish I never had to speak to this guy again, but I have to act like he’s still a friend, for now.

Guess I’m still fucked, but yeah, at least now I know not to trust him.

I wrote this when I was beggining to slip back into depression

The Breaking  of Dawn

Ah, Despair my oldest friend,
It seems that you’ve come back again.
As the dawn begins to break,
Your constant thirst will not be slaked.
I try, I try, I try so hard,
But you, I never can discard.

My current emotional state (Please don’t fuck with me right now; it will end badly.)

Untitled

I’ve got a bowl of Apathy
Served up cold

A sprinkle of Rage
To make it bold

A side of Ennui
And when it’s all told

A dash of Depression
They forgot to hold.